SEASON 1
The Boy in the Box - Q+A
DAN skates by on a skateboard, wearing his cowboy hat and smiling.
The Boy in the Box - Q+A (later)
DAN skates by on a skateboard, wearing his hat and smiling.
The Boy in the Box - Q+A (later)
DAN skates by on a skateboard, looking angry at his lack of a hat. He crashes.
AN OFFSCREEN CRASH is heard.
The Missing Family - Q+A
EXT. ROAD - DAY
DAN and PAM drive by in a red convertible.
The Missing Family - Q+A (later)
DAN and PAM drive by in a red convertible. PAM is not happy with DAN’s driving.
DAN and PAM’s car gets a flat.
OFFSCREEN CRASH.
DAN and PAM’s car spins out and explodes.
OFFSCREEN EXPLOSION.
DAN crawls out of the convertible, on fire and screaming. PAM walks out of the convertible with a pistol and shoots DAN in the head.
OFFSCREEN GUNSHOT.
PAM gets back in the convertible’s drivers’ seat and drives away. Police cars follow her.
After a pause, DAN is shown to be still alive, and crawls away, now with his hat on.
JonBenét Ramsey - Q+A
EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY
REBECCA glides by on a PICKLE BOAT. She is unaware that DAN is alive.
JonBenét Ramsey - Q+A (later)
EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY
DAN, carried by a seagull, pursues REBECCA, who is in her pickle boat.
Amelia Earhart - Q+A
EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY
REBECCA glides by on her pickle boat. REBECCA glides offscreen while DAN continues to pursue her on the seagull. A FIGURE (PAM?) sweeps across, too dark to be seen correctly, seemingly following them.
Amelia Earhart - Q+A (later)
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
REBECCA stands alone on the beach of the DESERT ISLAND. DAN, gliding down with an air assault parachute, gently lands on the beach beside REBECCA.
DAN: Rebecca.
REBECCA: Dan!
DAN: Why did you run from me?
REBECCA: IㅡI didn’t know how to tell you, but… we have a son now. This is Brandon.
REBECCA pulls out BABY BRANDON from behind her, who is swaddled and sleeping with a pacifier in his mouth.
DAN: (to BABY BRANDON) Hello, Brandon. This is your father, Dan.
(to REBECCA) Why did you try to shoot me and leave me for dead?
REBECCA: That wasn’t me, Dan.
A VOICE: (menacingly) It was me.
PAM emerges from the shadows near DAN, on a large red crab (MURRY).
PAM: It’s me, Pam, your evil twin sister.
DAN: (shocked) HerㅡRebecca’s evil twin sister? And she’s on a crab?
PAM: I won’t have you two together, you know I love Dan.
PAM pulls out a lance and points it at DAN.
PAM (cont.): (to DAN) And now it’s time to die. Mount your crab.
DAN: Brandon, step aside!
DAN and PAM’s eyes meet, and they glare at each other. PAM and DAN prepare to joust each other.
Room 1046 - Q+A
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
This is the moment. The final showdown. The crabs, frothing at the mouth, speed at each other, rage in their eyes. PAM on one, DAN on the other.
Flash to white.
SHANE (V.O.): The year? 1978. The place? Studio 54.
INT. STUDIO 54 - 1978, NIGHT
Two sexy hot dogs (DAN and REBECCA) catch each other’s eyes across the crowded room, and they like what they see. They didn’t come here looking for love, but maybe they’ve found it.
REBECCA: (to DAN, meeting him) Who are you?
DAN: I am Dan. A hot dog.
REBECCA: I am Rebecca.
DAN: Nice to meet you. I love you.
REBECCA: I love you, too.
DAN: Promise you’ll never shoot me, Rebecca.
REBECCA: I promise, Dan. But I can’t say the same for my…
(incoherent mumbling) … evil twin sister…
DAN: (shouting over the music) What’s that?
REBECCA: (nervously) N-nothing! Let’s cover ourselves in mustard and get crazy!
DAN: Good.
Natalie Wood - Q+A
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
DAN and PAM continue to prepare themselves for the joust, while still mounted on their respective crabs and with their lances.
Flash to white.
SHANE (V.O.): The year? 1985. The place? Rochester, New York.
INT. ROCHESTER CHURCH - 1985, DAY
Two slender, sexy hot dogs (DAN and REBECCA) are bathed in the glow of a stained glass window. Behind them, SAUSAGE PRIEST.
SAUSAGE PRIEST: Do you two rich, beloved characters vow to love each other, to hold each other in whatever the rest of this wedding speech is?
DAN: Rebecca, you are the most beautiful hot dog I’ve ever seen. I hope you never get eaten on the Fourth of July like my parents. I will love you forever. I do.
REBECCA: Dan, your words are making me happy, so I am smiling. I love you, and I hope…
(turning to muttering) … you don’t get murdered by my evil twin sister.
DAN: W-what?
REBECCA: (reassuring) Uh―n-nothing! I do!
SAUSAGE PRIEST: Very well. I here do, thereby, as the Sausage Priest, another layered, universally-adored character: pronounce thee husband and wife. For better… or for wurst.
Poison Pill Murders - Q+A
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
As we last left offㅡDAN, a very relatable hot dog, was on a crab, hurtling towards his wife’s twin sister, the evil, but very nuanced, PAM. His wife, REBECCA, and son, sweet BABY BRANDON, spectate in horror. The crabs are on a collision course now. There is no stopping this.
Flash to white.
EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC ISLAND - YEARS AGO, DAY
Two young CRABS (MURRY and GINA) sit on a beach, somewhere in the SOUTH PACIFIC. They are siblings. Between them, their father (PAPA CRAB), with the most beautiful beard a crab has ever had, and a hat, that maybe looks like a wizard’s hat, or whatever is easiest to animate. This, so far, is maybe the richest character yet.
PAPA CRAB (to MURRY and GINA): My children. My gentle children: Murry and Gina.
MURRY: Yes, Papa?
GINA: Yes, my papa?
PAPA CRAB: Always love each other, no matter where your paths take you. There is enough darkness in the world, and we crabs are the keepers of the light. We have been since the beginning of time.
GINA: But we love each other, Papa.
MURRY: But we love each other, Papa!
GINA: Yes, Murry and I are siblings, but also best friends. Why would we ever fight?
PAPA CRAB: (mysteriously) I have seen it in my special dreams. A hot dog may hypnotize you.
GINA: How could a hot dog do that, Papa?
PAPA CRAB: Well, she could be a hot dog who is also… a witch.
An image of PAM on a broomstick, surrounded by bats, is conjured up by the CRAB FAMILY’s imaginations.
Dramatic music.
GINA: Papa!
MURRY: Papa, you tell the best tales.
GINA: Three cheers for Papa! Hup! Hup! Hup!
PAPA CRAB: (harshly) Enough! Enough now, children.
(resigning himself) Let’s go eat the rest of Amelia Earhart for dinner.
Keddie Cabin - Q+A
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Music.
An old warehouse, somewhere on the outskirts of a decaying CITY. Among the tangled mess of tech, a scientist, DOCTOR LISA BRATWURST, sits crumpled on the floor, clinging a bottle. Whatever work had been going on here has clearly come to a grinding halt.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: (desperately) My funding! My precious funding! It’s all over now… I suppose I’ll let myself rot. Maybe let a raccoon eat me.
Her eyelids are heavy now. She begins to dream of the Machine. Her life’s work. How it could’ve changed the world, if she’d just had a little more support. A little more time.
A knock at the door.
FUTURE BRANDON enters. Weathered, this hot dog has been places, seen things, but what?
FUTURE BRANDON: Doctor Bratwurst.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: W-who are you?
FUTURE BRANDON: Doctor Bratwurst, I’m in urgent need of your services.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: My services?
FUTURE BRANDON: Yes. The Machine.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: Haven’t you read? The governmentㅡwhich is now run by witchesㅡshut me down. Pulled the plug on funding! And what a shame… I was so close… so close. If only I’d obtained theㅡ
FUTURE BRANDON pulls a jar of glowing green liquid out of his utility belt.
FUTURE BRANDON: Quantum relish?
DOCTOR BRATWURST: (aghast) W-what did you say?
FUTURE BRANDON: I said quantum relish.
DOCTOR BRATWURST (to herself, or possibly the viewer): That’s a good hashtag.
FUTURE BRANDON: (urgently) Doctor. There’s nothing stopping you now. I have what you need. It wasn’t easy to get, butㅡheh, like my dear old dad used to say, there’s no free condiments in life.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: M-most condiments are free, actually.
FUTURE BRANDON: (aggressively) How dare you. And, please, respect my father. May he rest in peace.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: This talk of your father seems very shoehorned into this conversation. So let’s move past it and get to the business of starting up this mysterious machine.
(calling) Gene! My french-fry assistant! Are you still here?
GENE enters next to DOCTOR BRATWURST.
GENE: Ooh, you betcha, Doctor Brat!
GENE is great. A character on a par with Elizabeth Bennett, or Pumbaa from The Lion King.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: I agree. Add this guy’s face to Mount Rushmore already.
GENE: Who, me? I’m just a lil’ ol’ french fry.
DOCTOR BRATWURST: (instructing GENE) Gene, the time has come, at last, to test the Machine. We finally have the missing piece of the puzzle and a willing participant, and our friend here… (to FUTURE BRANDON) I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.
Terminator 2 music plays.
As the machine lumbers to life, its mechanical groans reaching a deafening roar, a dazzling electric field encircles the hot dog.
FUTURE BRANDON: My name… is Brandon. And I’ve got a joust to stop.
Flash to white.
JFK - Q+A (Special Announcement!)
A zap echoes. Dramatic music resumes.
FUTURE BRANDON time-warps into the center of the frenzied joust.
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
On one side, DAN charges with conviction in his eyes, finally standing up for his family. From the opposite, PAM, who is straight-up evil.
FUTURE BRANDON is depicted with a witch’s hat and fellow witches.
FUTURE BRANDON has trained for this. He’s spent years in deep cover with the hot dog witches, read their ancient tomes, learned their ways, learned how to break their hypnotic curse. It’s all riding on this.
FUTURE BRANDON: (clears throat) Crabra-cadabra.
Time stands still as the haze lifts from the crabs’ eyes. GINA and MURRY stop dead in their tracks.
GINA: Murry!
MURRY: Whatㅡwhat are we doing, Gina?
GINA: (nearly hysterical) Papa told us! He told us, Murry!
MURRY: We should have listened, Papa!
GINA: Papa!
PAM (to MURRY): Charge, beast!
DAN: It’s over, Pam! Your witch magic is no good here, thanks toㅡwhoever this other hot dog is.
FUTURE BRANDON: I’m your son… from the future.
DAN: (in awe) Holy shit.
FUTURE BRANDON: It’s a great plot point. Anyway, I saw you die as a child, and somehow, it made Pam stronger. We never really figured out why, but it’s not a plot hole or anything.
(pauses) So, tale as old as time, she took over the government, and the world was run by her and her ilk… of witches.
REBECCA: Why did you do it, Pam? Why’d you do any of this?
PAM: Because, Rebecca… I’m straight-up evil.
FUTURE BRANDON: Well, you know what they say: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck… feed that evil hot dog to a goddamn raccoon.
(to the CRAB SIBLINGS) Gina! Murry! Take her away.
PAM: Shit!
THE CRAB SIBLINGS: Hup! Hup! Hup!
MURRY and GINA drag PAM away.
DAN: Brandon, I can’t thank you enough for spending your life embedded in a hot dog witch coven to travel back in time and save my life.
FUTURE BRANDON: Yeah, man, for sure. Um, now I can finally spend time with you and Ma.
REBECCA: Um, I hate to be the one to point this out, but we’ve got two Brandons RN.
DAN: That’s too many Brandons, right? Weㅡwe can’t have two Brandons, that’s bad for the fabric of reality and space-time, I think.
They all look around awkwardly.
FUTURE BRANDON: What if I eat him? The baby Brandon, what if I eat myself?
DAN AND REBECCA: Okay. It’s technically not murder or anything.
FUTURE BRANDON eats BABY BRANDON.
REBECCA: Hooray! Three cheers for our family! Hup! Hup! Hup!
GENE appears.
GENE: I’m here too!
REBECCA: (delightedly) The best character! Charles Dickens would kill a man to have written a character like Gene! At last: a happy ending.
Applause, and like a song that sounds like Coldplay, or something.
Fade to black.
Fade up from black.
MURRY and GINA deposit PAM on an old log.
MURRY (to PAM): This is what you get! This is the law of the wild!
GINA: Murry, let’s go before the raccoon arrives. I can’t bear to watch this inevitable carnage.
PAM struggles as a large dark figure rises behind the log. It is the RACCOON, come to feast. It lunges toward her, eyes gleaming.
PAM: Have at me, beast!
Suddenly, a faint glowing ORB descends from the sky and seems to pierce the monster’s skin. The RACCOON stops. It becomes blank, motionless. Its eyes glow, possessed.
PAM: … beast?
BABY BRANDON: The beast is quelled, Pam. I am a spirit, and I have made this beast’s body my home now. I will not allow it to do you harm.
PAM: I―I don’t understand.
BABY BRANDON: Well, you see, Pam, I need your help to avenge my death.
PAM: Wh-who are you?
BABY BRANDON: My name, Pam, is Brandon. And I was eaten by myself. And together, Pam, you and I are going to kill me.
PAM: Oh, hell yeah!
SEASON 2: Buns on the Run
Eastern State Penitentiary - Q+A
EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY
REBECCA, DAN, GENE, and FUTURE BRANDON stand on the island. The CRAB SIBLINGS, along with PAM, BABY BRANDON, and the RACCOON, are gone.
REBECCA: Oh, Dan! And sweet Brandon! We’re a family again. A real family… with a tasty side of Gene.
GENE: Ooh, that’s my name, don’t wear it out!
DAN: Holy shit, Gene! Look, everyone: Rebecca’s evil sister, Pam, is dead. I think. Those crabs left her on a log for a beast to consume.
(more light-heartedly) It’s time for us to put this whole crazy saga behind us, and remember what it means to be a family.
FUTURE BRANDON: Three cheers for my hot-dad! Hup! Hup! Hup!
A LETTER falls from the sky. GENE catches it.
GENE: Hey, hey, hey! I got a letter!
FUTURE BRANDON: Read it, Gene.
GENE: Ooh, it’s from my sister, Gebra. She’s getting married in California and she wants me to get my old band back together and play for her wedding!
FUTURE BRANDON: Band?
GENE: Well, it’s a long story, y’all, but I think I’ll have time to tell it, because we’re gonna get that band back together, and we’re gonna play that wedding! This calls for: a road trip!
Title plays: Hot Daga II: Buns on the Run.
Cool music.
Goatman’s Bridge - Q+A
EXT. BOXCAR TRAIN - DAY
Somewhere in America, a RAMSHACKLE BOXCAR cruises across the backbone of the nation.
REBECCA: Gene, what a joy for us to witness your sister Gebra’s wedding. I just hope we make it in time.
GENE: Ooh, you and me both, Becky!
FUTURE BRANDON: Gene, since we have some time to kill on this beautiful boxcar, I’d like to get to know you better.
GENE: Ask away, baby!
FUTURE BRANDON: What’s your full name?
GENE: Gene!
FUTURE BRANDON: Where are you from?
GENE: Ooh, Idaho, numbnuts!
DAN: What’s the deal with your band?
GENE: Sweet Gene and the Risky Fixin’s?
DAN: Yes. Sweet Gene and the Risky Fixin’s.
GENE: We formed in the early ‘90s when we were all in nursing school! We’ve won 487 Grammys, and once stopped the assassination of the hot dog president!
REBECCA: Gene, I don’t mean to be rude to french fries, but how are we going to your sister’s wedding? And how does your band exist currently if you traveled back in time with my big son, Brandon?
GENE: Oh, what’cha mean, lady?
FUTURE BRANDON: These people are all real, right? Not ideas incepted into your brain by a witch luring us into a trap?
GENE: Oh, you’re nuts! Our witch days are over, remember? Or I’m not french fries!
REBECCA: (quietly) Pretty sure this is a witch trap.
GENE: Next stop: pickin’ up the first band member in Texas, U.S.A!
Pennhurst Asylum - Q+A
EXT. STEVEN ROOTBEER’S BAR - EVENING
TEXAS, somewhere off an old dirt road, a dilapidated watering hole about to close for the evening. Behind the bar, a grizzled, old, bottle of rootbeer (STEVEN ROOTBEER).
GENE walks in.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: (calling) We’re closed!
GENE: Oh, don’t worry, partner. I’m not lookin’ for much. Just a sarsaparilla and a few words with an old pal.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Well, we’re out of sarsaparilla. Not sure about the other stuff.
GENE: Steven Rootbeer, do you mean to tell me you’ve forgotten your dearest friend and former bandmate, Gene? I’m critically adored!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Hmm. Can’t say the name rattles a tambourine.
GENE: Look, StevenㅡI’m putting the band back together.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: (disbelievingly) Like hell you are!
GENE: Like hell I am! It’s my sister, Steven, Gebra. She’s getting married! Needs us to play. I can’t do it alone. I need… the Risky Fixin’s.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: (ashamed) Well, I… I didn’t know french fries had siblings.
GENE: We sure do.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: (confidentially) You talk to Melba yet? It ain’t the Risky Fixin’s without her playin’ sticks.
GENE: I’m ‘bout to hop on the train and do that very thing! And I’d like to have you along for the ride.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: All right, but listen here. I’m only doin’ this under one condition.
GENE: I’m all ears!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: You gotta let me lay down some seriously chunky bass lines.
GENE: Ooh, you got yourself a deal! Now, we’ve got a train to catch!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: A crow ate one of my eyes at the bank last Labor Day, by the way. That’s why I have an eye patch now.
Roswell - Q+A
EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND - MORNING
A lovely, serene POND. STEVEN ROOTBEER and GENE enter on the left.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Well, them hot dogs on the train sure are terrific.
GENE: They’re a loving family! Compelling! Something like out of an Arthur Miller play!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: (turning to GENE) Mm. Say there, Gene, I don’t mean to be rude to french fries, but where in God’s blue Hell are we?
GENE: Central Park!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: And if you say this is where we’ll find Melba…
Suddenly, a VOICE.
VOICE: You two’ve got some nerve showing up around here.
STEVEN ROOTBEER and GENE look out to see their old pal, MELBA DILL, and baby, she’s floatin’.
GENE: (delightedly) Melba! Long time, no see. We’re gettin’ the band back together!
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Mm. Yeah, what the beloved french fry said.
MELBA DILL hops out of the pond to land in front of GENE and STEVEN ROOTBEER.
MELBA: (sharply) Now, I think it’s quite clear that I’m comfortable here. Floating, as pickles do. I wake up, I float. I float all day. Did I use to float? No, I damn well didn’t. I used to play drums for an acclaimed rock-and-roll band, a band so good that the Beatles, our enemies, quit making music, grew mullets, and opened up a really good pizza shop in Cleveland. Yes, we were on top of the world. But you let the music get away from you, you idiot men! You blew it all, on wine and trampolines.
MELBA leans in closer to STEVEN ROOTBEER, who still looks taken aback.
MELBA (cont.): Did it ever occur to you, Steven Rootbeer, that I loved you, and your mustache? Well, I don’t anymore, and I see you’ve shaved your mustache, you idiot! And Gene, you were like a brother to me. But pickles don’t have brothers, clearly, and in short, gentlemen, I don’t care if you’re getting the band back together. You can’tㅡy-you can go chew a baseball! The day we broke up was the best day of my life! And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta float, because that’s what pickles do.
MELBA heads back into the CENTRAL PARK POND.
Pregnant pause.
GENE: It’s just my sister Gebra’s wedding, is all.
MELBA: (quietly, almost ashamed) Well, IㅡI didn’t know french fries had siblings like that.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Aw, come on, what do you say, Melba?
MELBA stands up in the pond.
MELBA: Oh, you idiotsㅡfine! One last performance.
GENE: Ooh, the Risky Fixin’s are officially back on the map!
MELBA: (huffs, then says) Whatever, there’s been a raccoon that’s been… snooping around these parts lately, so I was thinking of leaving anyway.
Roanoke - Q+A
EXT. BOXCAR TRAIN - MORNING
REBECCA, STEVEN ROOTBEER, GENE, MELBA, FUTURE BRANDON, and DAN are all congregated on top of the boxcar train.
GENE: Ooh, the Risky Fixin’s are back together! Thanks for waiting on the train this whole time, Dan, Rebecca, and Brandon.
DAN: It’s fine.
REBECCA: Nothing’s stopping us now. Let’s head to that wedding!
Suddenly, CONDUCTOR CRAIG’s voice.
CONDUCTOR CRAIG: (over the intercom) Uh, attention, folks, Conductor Craig here. Havin’, uh, some technical issues with the train, so we’re gonna be stalled for a bit. We’ll try to get everything patched and have us movin’ as soon as we can.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Well, dust-bunnies.
MELBA: Say, you know what we can do to pass the time? Let’s share some fun facts about ourselves.
FUTURE BRANDON: No, let’s share some fun facts about Gene.
STEVEN ROOTBEER: Well, my fun fact about Gene is that I saw him do a magic trick once where he sat on his own lap.
GENE: That’s a good trick!
MELBA: Well, my fun fact about Gene is that he is french fries but he is also a poet.
GENE: Aw, sweet of you!
REBECCA: Well, my fun fact about Gene is that I’ve dreamt about him every night of my life, even before I knew him.
GENE: (uncharacteristically alarmed) Oh, what the heck?
DAN: My fun fact about Gene is that I’m suddenly afraid my wife will leave me for him, but he’s a nice guy so that’s okay.
GENE: (still somewhat alarmed) Aw, Dan, come on!
FUTURE BRANDON: My fun fact about Gene is that I met him in the future, and I don’t know how his band exists in the present.
GENE: (playfully) Oh, you’re nuts, Brandon!
CONDUCTOR CRAIG comes up to the group.
CONDUCTOR CRAIG: Oh, hey, folks.
REBECCA: Oh, Conductor Craig!
CONDUCTOR CRAIG: Well, the train’s all fixed. Classic case of mustard on the gears!
GENE: Oh, classic!
CONDUCTOR CRAIG: Well, it’ll be a haul with the headwind, but we shouldst be on track to get you to that wedding in Hawaii next week.
MELBA: (delicately, but monotone) Hooray.
Viaduct Tavern - Q+A
EXT. HAWAIIAN BEACH RESORT - DAY
SAUSAGE PRIEST stands above a crowd composed of REBECCA, MELBA, FUTURE BRANDON, DAN, GENE, STEVEN ROOTBEER, GEBRA, and MAIZEY.
SAUSAGE PRIEST: Welcome to the wedding in Hawaii, now, everyone. We’re gathered here today to witness the union of two souls, Gebra and Maizey. Before I do my thing, I believe Gebra wanted to say a few words.
GEBRA: Well, I wanted to thank everyone for making the trip! My brother Gene and his band, the Risky Fixin’s, who I’m sure we’ll hear from at the receptionㅡ
GENE: Oh, did you want us to play?
GEBRA laughs.
GEBRA: Dan and his wife, Rebecca, their big son, Brandonㅡ
REBECCA, DAN, FUTURE BRANDON: Nice to meet you.
GEBRA: Tony Pepperoniㅡ
TONY PEPPERONI enters.
TONY PEPPERONI: Hi!
GEBRA: Bradley!
BRADLEY enters.
BRADLEY: Uh huh.
GEBRA: The Gherkin brothers!
The GHERKIN BROTHERS enter.
GHERKIN BROTHERS: Love you, Gebra!
GEBRA: Tiffany Elizabeth Ellerbe!
TIFFANY ELIZABETH ELLERBE enters.
TIFFANY ELIZABETH ELLERBE: Charmed, I’m sure.
GEBRA: The Duke!
THE DUKE enters.
THE DUKE: Aha!
GEBRA: Slippery Mike, the mustard pile!
SLIPPERY MIKE THE MUSTARD PILE enters.
SLIPPERY MIKE THE MUSTARD PILE: (unidentifiable noise)
GEBRA: Little Mr. B!
LITTLE MR. B. enters.
LITTLE MR. B.: Happy to be here.
GEBRA: Pauline, who is a pretzel!
PAULINE WHO IS A PRETZEL enters.
PAULINE WHO IS A PRETZEL: Mmmm!
GEBRA: Willy, the wacky wonton!
WILLY THE WACKY WONTON enters.
WILLY THE WACKY WONTON: (screams)
GEBRA: Pauline, who isn’t a pretzel!
PAULINE WHO ISN’T A PRETZEL enters.
PAULINE WHO ISN’T A PRETZEL: What a beautiful day!
GEBRA: Mike Soup!
MIKE SOUP enters.
MIKE SOUP: Yup.
GEBRA: Queen Meatballs!
QUEEN MEATBALLS enters.
QUEEN MEATBALLS: Hello!
PAM, riding the RACCOON possessed by BABY BRANDON, enters.
GEBRA: A giant, possessed raccoon, and Rebecca’s evil twin sister, Pamㅡwait a minute, you weren’t invited!
FUTURE BRANDON: Oh no!
GEBRA: (frantically) Gene, what’s happening?
PAM: (hoarsely) That’s right! It’s me, Pam! And I’d like to welcome you to Hell! Time to die!
Colchester Castle - Q+A
EXT. HAWAIIAN BEACH RESORT - DAY
Dramatic music.
A WEDDING has been gripped by terror at the appearance of a maniacal HOT DOG WITCH (PAM) and a possessed RACCOON (BABY BRANDON).
PAM: Prepare to die!
Flash to white.
INT. HALL OF SHADOWS - NIGHT
The HALL OF SHADOWS. A HOODED FIGURE, the DARK MASTER, sits on the THRONE. PAM and BABY BRANDON bow before him.
PAM: Greetings, master.
DARK MASTER: Explain the raccoon.
BABY BRANDON: I am Brandon, master. Son of the Hot Dog clan. Eaten by my future self, now possessing a raccoon.
DARK MASTER: Makes sense. And what has become of the hot dog clan?
PAM: The joust… did not go as planned. We were nearly fed to crabs. It was a mess. But it was a hugely satisfying season finale.
DARK MASTER: (harshly) I am displeased! But that does sound narratively rich. The hot dogs: they must be destroyed.
PAM: We have… one last idea, master.
DARK MASTER: Spill it, Pam.
PAM: Well, you know that prophecy that every hot dog child hears on their eighth birthdayㅡabout the hot dog who survives a crab joust and is then tossed into the fiery pit of a Hawaiian volcano, where their soul is forged by lava into the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P.
DARK MASTER: Ah, the G.U.P, of course. Hmm, I can see how that prophecy seems to partially align with the narrative thus far. Very convenient. So your plan, then, is to drop Dan the Hot Dog into a volcano, then procure the G.U.P. for me.
PAM: Mm, that’s right.
BABY BRANDON: And we’ll drop the rest of the hot dog family in there, too, because fuck them.
DARK MASTER: Very well. Pam, I suggest you use your witch hallucinations to guide Gene to Hawaii. Wherever he goes, they will follow. He is a born leader, extremely charismatic.
BABY BRANDON: True.
DARK MASTER: Understand: this is your last chance, Pam. If you fail me again, you will know a fate worse than death. But if you succeed, we will rule the world.
The DARK MASTER laughs.
DARK MASTER: Laugh with me!
PAM, the DARK MASTER, and BABY BRANDON all laugh evilly.
London Tombs - Q+A
EXT. HAWAIIAN RESORT - DAY
PAM: Prepare to die!
DAN: Now hang on a second.
PAM: What?
DAN: What gives you the right to interrupt this perfectly delicious wedding?
PAM: … It’s all fake, Dan. A ploy. Gene’s from the future, remember? These are all witch holograms…
All WEDDING GUESTS turn transparent and hologram-blue except for REBECCA, FUTURE BRANDON, DAN, SAUSAGE PRIEST, GENE, and MIKE SOUP.
PAM (cont.): … of fake memories meant to lure you all to this Hawaiian volcano, so we could kick you into the lava and kill you forever, as the prophecy dictates.
GENE: (distraught) You’re tellin’ me that the Risky Fixin’s aren’t real?
PAM: No. They’re witch holograms.
REBECCA: And what about Gebra and Maizey?
PAM: Gebra’s not even a real name! Witch holograms!
FUTURE BRANDON: And all the wedding guests?
PAM: Witch holograms again! Except for Mike Soup.
MIKE SOUP: What a beautiful day.
PAM: This whole wedding venue is a hologram. It’s actually a witch cave above a volcano…
INT. HAWAIIAN VOLCANO - NIGHT
The WEDDING VENUE fades away to reveal a rickety bridge above the HAWAIIAN VOLCANO, where the WEDDING GUESTS and PAM are standing.
PAM (cont.): And now, I’m going to pull this lever, andㅡ
MAIZEY: Hold on one goddamn minute.
PAM: Maizey?
MAIZEY: That’s right. I may be corn, and I may be a witch hologram, but I was conjured to love Gebra. And she’s as real to me as anything I’ve ever knownㅡand you gotta be stupid to think that I’m going to let the simple fact that we’re both holograms created by some annoying hot dog witch and her raccoon pal, get in the way of our day!
FUTURE BRANDON: The raccoon is actually the ghost of my younger self. I ate him, and now he’s mad.
MAIZEY (to BRANDON): I don’t care, Brandon!
(to PAM) Witch lady, Pam, whatever your deal is, will you press pause on your shit for five minutes?
PAM: UhㅡIㅡf-fine!
MAIZEY: Good!
(to SAUSAGE PRIEST) Sausage priest! You’re real! Marry us!
SAUSAGE PRIEST: By the power zested in me, I now pronounce you, fries and corn.
Applause.
PAM: I’m still gonna kill everyone!
MAIZEY: I don’t give a shit, Pam! This is our day.
(to GENE, MELBA, and STEVEN ROOTBEER) Risky Fixin’s, I know you’re mostly holograms, but surely, you’ve been practicing. Play our song.
GENE: Ooh, you got it, ladies! A one, two, three, four!
SWEET GENE AND THE RISKY FIXIN’S sing “Relish Life”. (To find the official page for the song, click here!)
GENE: This one goes out to Gebra and Maizey!
GENE (sung): No witch can say
MELBA (sung): (No witch can say)
GENE (sung): Which way is the right way/You just gotta trust what you feel in your heart!
MELBA (sung): (Feel in your heart)
GENE (sung): And no witch can see!
MELBA (sung): (No witch can see)
GENE (sung): How things ever come to be/Like how the Hot Daga became high art!
GENE, STEVEN ROOTBEER, MELBA (sung): An evil hot dog witch is trying/To tear us apart!
[short instrumental break]
GENE: Hit it, Melba!
GENE (sung): But as long as you’ve got your friends/There’s nothing you cannot do/
Come witches or raccoons/No, sir, they cannot get to you
It helps if you’re a beloved character/Rich, compelling, adored worldwide
But it’s hard to relish life… without your best friends by your side.
GENE: Oh, thank you very much!
THE WEDDING GUESTS applaud. PAM… PAM, it looks like something’s changed with PAM.
PAM: This performance has made my heart grow three sizes!
GENE: Ooh, really?
STEVEN ROOTBEER: It’s a Christmas miracle.
PAM: Yes, but… no matter the size… it’s still a witch heart, dingbats!
(to BABY BRANDON) Baby Brandon! Pull the lever!
BABY BRANDON pulls the lever. THE WEDDING GUESTS, falling, scream.
Flash to white.
SEASON 3
Jack the Ripper - Q+A
MAIZEY giggles while running across the screen.
Gardner Museum Heist - Q+A
EXT. LAVA LAKE NEAR JUNGLE FOREST - DAY
On the shores of a LAVA LAKE, a french fries (GENE) snaps awake, gasping for air.
GENE: (gasping) Aah! Wh-what? Where am I? What happened?
From a distance, a call.
VOICE: Gene!
GENE: (disoriented) Oh, wㅡw-we’ve gotta stop themㅡthe witchㅡ
MAIZEY emerges as the VOICE from the JUNGLE.
MAIZEY: Gene! It’s me, Maizey.
GENE: M-Mai… zey…
MAIZEY: The holographic corn wife of your holographic sister, Gebra, who I fear has perishedㅡbut I cannot attempt to process that at the moment, for the fear… of the emotional toll it would take on me.
GENE: (still disoriented) Wh-wh-what happened?
MAIZEY: (urgently) Gene, you’ve gotta get your head in the game! I think that shitty witch succeeded in her evil plan: sacrificing Dan, the hot dog, into the lava!
GENE: Uh, how’d we survive?
MAIZEY: We must’veㅡswam to shore.
GENE: (still wrapping his head around it) But, wait, if Dan’s been sacrificed, thenㅡ
MAIZEY: Then the prophecy has come true, and the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P.ㅡ
GENE: Yes, the G.U.P.ㅡ
MAIZEY: ㅡhas appeared. It’s only a matter of time before the witch and raccoon procure it, and deliver it to their dark master. Then all is lost.
GENE: Ooh, what a plot!
MAIZEY: It’s a lot, but it’s very good.
GENE: I guess we lost.
MAIZEY: We lost everything.
GENE stutters.
MIKE SOUP emerges from the JUNGLE.
MIKE SOUP: We could go back in time to stop it all.
GENE: (delightedly) Ooh, Mike Soup! How’d you survive?
MIKE SOUP: I swam to shore, just like you guys. The lava was too hot.
GENE: What’d’you mean, go back in time?
MIKE SOUP: I mean we can just take my spaceship, and head to the wormhole in the Graxilon quadrant. Hop into that thing and bloop back in time.
MAIZEY: Oh, okay! That sounds easy!
MIKE SOUP: I have to be honest, it’s not easy. But what choice do we have?
GENE: Whㅡtrue! Well, let’s do it, then. For Gebraㅡand Dan! And Brandon, and all those other breathtaking characters who are dead now.
MAIZEY: Okay, then. Space.
MIKE SOUP: Space.
GENE: Ooh, space!
Cleveland Torso Murders - Q+A
EXT. LAVA LAKE - DAY
A can of soup (MIKE SOUP), a french fries (GENE), and a holographic corn (MAIZEY) board a ramshackle old spaceship.
INT. STARSHIP: MINESTRONE - DAY
MIKE SOUP: Welcome to the Minestrone. A first-class twin engine. She’s a little beat up, but she’ll get you to the drive-through, if you know what I’m saying.
GENE: Mike! This ship: it’s a beaut. A shippy beaut. How’d you snag such a fine chunk of metal like this?
MIKE SOUP: I ran guns.
MAIZEY: You don’t meanㅡin the Space Wars?
GENE: You mean when space-Pope Chili the IX declared war on soups?
MAIZEY: Yes. Of course. No need to explain that, we’ll remember it always. Many soups died.
GENE: Ooh, which side did you fight on, Mike? Were you in the sauce?
MAIZEY: Gene, that’s rude.
MIKE SOUP: That is rude, Gene. I was in the sauce. I fought for soups. I’m soup.
MAIZEY: Thank you for your service.
GENE: (after a pause) Say, you’re not the Mike Soup, are you? The Soup Baron? The pirate captain who personally assassinated space-Pope Chili the IX and brought an end to the Space War, but also blew up a civilian transport in the process and became a space pariah, forced to the outer rim, where he continued to fight the remaining hostile factions of the Chili Empire, who refused to acknowledge the Treaty of Ver-soy?
MIKE SOUP: No. I’m not that Mike Soup.
GENE: Okay, where we goin’?
MIKE SOUP: We’re headed to planet Tomat-Zero, I know a guy there that can get us the Bernoulli converter we need to make the hyperspace jump to the wormhole in the Graxilon quadrant.
MAIZEY: Enough talky-time. More spacey-time, idiots. We have to go back in time so I can save my dead wife, and all your stupid friends.
MIKE SOUP: Very well.
(to the MINESTRONE AI system) Minestrone!
MINESTRONE AI: Yes, Captain?
MIKE SOUP: Engage the twins and set a course for Tomat-Zero.
MINESTRONE AI: Aye-aye, Captain.
Star-Trek-ish music.
Zoom into MIKE SOUP and the DARK MASTER’s eyes.
Isdal Woman - Q+A
INT. HALL OF SHADOWS - NIGHT
In a darkened lair (the HALL OF SHADOWS), surrounded by GEOTHERMAL VENTS belching putrid air, the dark one (DARK MASTER) sits on his throne, waiting.
DARK MASTER: (incomprehensible noises)
PAM (an evil hot dog witch) and BABY BRANDON (a raccoon possessed by a hot dog child) arrive.
PAM: Master.
DARK MASTER: Have you succeeded?
BABY BRANDON: Yes, master. We threw them into a volcano. They’re gone.
DARK MASTER: All of them?
BABY BRANDON: Most of them, I think. Except a hologram and a french fries.
DARK MASTER: But Dan, the hot dogㅡhe was devoured by magma?
PAM: Yes. My brother-in-law was devoured by magma.
DARK MASTER: Very good. Then the prophecy is complete and the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P., is mine.
PAM: (mimicking “hup”) G.U.P.! G.U.P.! G.U.P.!
They cheer. Confetti falls from the ceiling.
DARK MASTER: I will now summon the Gauntlet with the ancient rites.
(in an echoing voice) Mus-tard-an-ketch... Up-an-pick... elt-oo...
The ground shakes.
A GAUNTLET (the GAUNTLET OF ULTIMATE POWER, OR, G.U.P.) appears with a flash and falls onto the DARK MASTER’s hand. PAM and BABY BRANDON watch in horror as the DARK MASTER grows by about twenty-five percent, and his eyes get more evil, signifying him becoming more evil.
DARK MASTER: I am the end now. I will grow, grow until I can eat the Sun and plunge the Earth into despair!
PAM: (nervously) … Wow, hell yeah! Now we can finish off those french fries and that old can of soup!
DARK MASTER: Soup?
PAM: Yeah, Mike Soup.
DARK MASTER: The soup survived?
BABY BRANDON: Yeah, who gives a shit? It’s not like he’s french fries or that hologram.
DARK MASTER (to PAM): You have disappointed me, hot dog witch.
The DARK MASTER’s eyes burn red as he raises his GAUNTLET, pointing at his hapless minions (PAM and BABY BRANDON).
DARK MASTER: Hup!
A flash. A sizzling crack. It rings like a bell. Where PAM once stood, there is nothing but a bun and two eyeballs. BABY BRANDON stares in awe.
BABY BRANDON: Holy shit!
Ken Rex - Q+A
Space. The final frontier.
These are the travels of the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE, its mission to reach the GRAXILON WORMHOLE to travel back in time to save our friends and loved ones from burning up in a volcano, and then rock out to a baller RISKY FIXIN’S song.
INT. STARSHIP: MINESTRONE - DAY
GENE: Ooh, Captain!
MIKE SOUP: Ensign.
GENE: Exiting FTL travel!
MIKE SOUP: Bring her in slow. This pony’s been in the stable for a month of Sundays.
GENE: Aye-aye, captain!
MAIZEY moves over to one of the CONTROL PANELS.
MAIZEY: Captain, our scanners are picking up a planet.
MIKE SOUP: Of course they are. It’s a planet. Ah, Tomat-Zero… it’s been too long.
MAIZEY: Why the hell are we going here again?
MIKE SOUP: An old friend of mine. Heh, he’s got the Bernoulli converter we need to make it to the Graxilon Quadrant and slip our asses through that saucy wormhole.
GENE: What’s he doing on a planet like this? Based on these scans, it looks like a swampy pile of junk!
MIKE SOUP: You’ll see. He’s very compelling, perhaps more compelling than Gene. Perhaps the most compelling character… in existence.
GENE: (nervously) Hehㅡuhㅡthat’s, uh… that’s very funny.
MIKE SOUP: Ensign french fries! Plot our approach to Tomat-Zero.
GENE: Uh, sure…
GENE and MAIZEY nervously look at each other while GENE moves over to one of the other CONTROL PANELS.
MINESTRONE AI: Boop boop boop!
MAIZEY: Captain, we’re being hailed.
MIKE SOUP: Put him on the screen.
The SCREEN shows the CHILI PIRATES on call.
The CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN laughs.
CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN: If it isn’t Mike Soup! The beloved space ace. Surrender your ship, and we’ll let you live.
MIKE SOUP: I don’t negotiate with assholes.
(to MAIZEY) Maizey! Shields up! Arm the torpedoes!
MAIZEY: Captain, we don’t have any torpedoes.
MIKE SOUP: Oh, shit, I forgot to buy new ones!
The MINESTRONE AI system starts to beep as the CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN laughs.
GENE: Oh, Captain, their torpedoes are headed our way!
The MINESTRONE CREW braces themselves as the ship shudders, and an explosion rips through the bridge.
William Desmond Taylor - Q+A
EXT. TOMAT-ZERO JUNGLE FOREST - DAY
The jungle planet of TOMAT-ZERO. A holographic corn (MAIZEY) is suddenly awake now, next to a WALKIE-TALKIE.
MAIZEY gasps.
MAIZEY: I can’t believe it! I’mㅡalive. And not a kernel out of place, if I do say so myself. Hmm.
The WALKIE-TALKIE beeps.
MAIZEY (into the WALKIE-TALKIE): Maizey to Minestrone. Over.
The WALKIE-TALKIE beeps.
MAIZEY (cont.): Minestrone, do you read me? Over.
(after a pause) Mm. I must’ve been thrown from the ship during descent, and if I survived the crash, it’s highly likely that the rest of the crew is still alive. Looks like I’ll have to trek through these jungles to track them down.
(after another pause) Must get a move on. Never know what lurks out here in theㅡ
Suddenly, from the BUSH, a VOICE.
VOICE: Oh, wow, okay, hey.
MAIZEY: Who goes there?
VOICE: Oh, no, no, hey, come on, nothing to worry about here. Just a Plupple, passin’ through.
MAIZEY (to herself): That doesn’t make any sense…
(to the VOICE) You phantom weirdo, show yourself!
VOICE: Hey, you gotㅡyou got it, corn!
A PLUPPLE (GARCE) exits from the BUSH.
GARCE: Heh, just a Plupple, nothing to see here. Come on, cut me some slack.
MAIZEY: Who the hell are you?
GARCE: Oh, me? I’m a Plupple, named Garce. Plupple’s a variety of fruit native to this planet, and I’m a piece of it! So, you know, that’s… what I am, and, far as I can tell, I think I’ve answered your questions, so hey, everything’s good.
MAIZEY: … A Plupple, huh?
GARCE: Oh, yeah, born and raised. Come from a long line of Plupples. Sorta like a peach, but sexier. And blue! My parents were very juicy, and I am, too.
MAIZEY: Fine. I’m Maizey; my ship crashed on this planet, and I need to find my crew.
GARCE: Oh, yeah, sure, I saw that thing rocket through the sky. Hell of a dust cloud when that thing went down.
MAIZEY starts towards GARCE.
MAIZEY: You saw it crash?
GARCE: Oh, yeah, sure, I saw it. Had to be, uh… oh, three clicks southeast of the Plateau? I can take you there.
MAIZEY: (hesitantly) Mm… you don’t seem trustworthy.
GARCE: Oh! Pfㅡwhoa, I’m plenty trustworthy. Plupples can’t lie!
MAIZEY: What?
GARCE: Oh, yeah, sure, check it out.
(calls) Hey, Farch!
FARCH enters from the BUSH.
FARCH: Oh, howdy, Garce. Howdy, lady-who’s-a-vegetable-I’ve-never-seen-before-‘cause-it’s-not-native-to-our-planet.
GARCE: Hey, Farch, why don’t you do me a favor and tell me your name ain’t Farch?
FARCH: (nervously) Wh… what’s your thinkin’ there, Garce?
GARCE: Well, the lady’s all rattled. She doesn’t trust a Plupple!
FARCH: (shocked) She doesn’t trust a Plupple?
GARCE: Yeah, she doesn’t trust a Plupple. Why don’t you go on and help me out, give her some reassurance? Tell a lie.
FARCH: Hmm… well, all right, but you owe me. Here we go.
FARCH takes a deep breath.
FARCH: My name’s not Farch. It’s Troyle.
FARCH starts choking.
FARCH: Heuhㅡaghㅡ!
FARCH screams as he explodes. After a pause, MAIZEY sighs deeply.
MAIZEY: Okay. Take me to where you saw the ship crash.
And so, MAIZEY, and her strange new friend, set out into the wilds of TOMAT-0. Will they find the rest of their crew? Will they ever reach MIKE SOUP’s acquaintance and obtain the BERNOULLI CONVERTER they need to travel to the GRAXILON QUADRANT and slip through a wormhole to rewrite history and save their friends? Find out next time on the Hot Daga! A Ryan Bergara production.
Louis Le Prince - Q+A
EXT. TOMAT-ZERO JUNGLE FOREST - DAY
In the jungles of the alien planet of TOMAT-ZERO, MAIZEY, the holographic corn, follows GARCE the PLUPPLE to the supposed crash site of the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE.
GARCE: Uh, so, w-what’s your deal again, corn lady?
MAIZEY: Uh, I’m a hologram. Dreamed by a witch. It’s a shitty situation, but I’m in love with my dead hologram wife, so I’m going to keep existing until I can travel back in time and save her. And, I guess, Earth.
GARCE: Hmm. Makes sense if you… actually track the story, probably. Waitㅡyou’re from Earth? Wow. Okay, yeah.
MAIZEY: Why, you’ve heard of it?
GARCE: Oh, yeah, for sure. I heard about that place on the space news. Yeah, guess some, uh, big evil guy with a nasty glove is chewin’ it all up? Said he ate the Moon as an appetizer.
MAIZEY: I’m guessing that has to do with all my shit.
GARCE: Hmm. Wonder if Earth’s tasty. Big evil guy should consider eating this planet, way things are going.
MAIZEY: Well, what do you mean by that?
GARCE: Eh, plight of the Plupplesㅡit’s rough, corn. I-I’m basically the smartest Plupple in the galaxy, on account of my Papa teaching me how to read. And even I’m a straight-up bonehead!
GARCE and MAIZEY pass an idle PLUPPLE (SMEECH).
GARCE: Oh, hey Smeech!
SMEECH: Plup! Plup! Plup! Ooh-whee!
GARCE (to SMEECH): Haha, alright, man. Hey, say hi to the grandkids.
(to MAIZEY) See? They’re dummies. And they’re all marching to the beat of ol’ Doctor Goondis!
MAIZEY: Doctor Goondis?
GARCE: Hm? Oh, yeah, some nutty old guy that made a home for himself here after the Space Wars. Used to be a real technical whiz, charismatic as all hell, but he’s been a little funny for a while. Plupples love him though!
MAIZEY: Space Wars, huh? Wonder if this is the guy Mike Soup planned for us to meet.
GARCE: Oh, I hope not. Dude’s cracked. Oh, hey, watch out for, with our next stepㅡ
MAIZEY falls into a PIT TRAP. GARCE looks mildly surprised.
GARCE: Huh. Well, I mean, uh oh!
INT. UNDERGROUND CAVES - DAY
Darkness. MAIZEY lands with a thud. Around her, a scuttling. MAIZEY ignites her GLOW STICK and light spills on her environment. A darkened cavern. She is surrounded by PLUPPLES. They don’t look like GARCE. They look dumb as hell.
MAIZEY: Oh, whoa there, folks. Hang on now. I-I’m a friend of Garce. Can any of youㅡlook, I’mㅡI’m just trying toㅡ
The PLUPPLES all coo.
PLUPPLES: Plup! Plup! Plup!
Their coos echo and overlap each other.
MAIZEY (over the PLUPPLES): I can’tㅡI-I need to get out of here and find my ship!
MAIZEY picks up the NEAREST PLUPPLE.
MAIZEY: Please, tell me there’s a way out of here!
NEAREST PLUPPLE: There’s a way out of here!
The NEAREST PLUPPLE explodes.
The PLUPPLES all coo. Suddenly, from the deep, a bellowing.
DOCTOR GOONDIS bellows twice.
MAIZEY: Whatㅡwhat theㅡwhat is that?
DOCTOR GOONDIS continues bellowing.
MAIZEY: Is thatㅡDoctor Goondis?
We still can’t see the figure, but we hear it from the deep.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Don’t worry. I am Doctor Goondis.
DOCTOR GOONDIS giggles maniacally.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Blegh!
The PLUPPLES start calling “Doctor Goondis!”
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Euh… Neh. Neh.
The Jamison Family - Q+A
INT. UNDERGROUND CAVES - NIGHT
The PLUPPLES carry MAIZEY through a labyrinthine cavern, at last arriving at an expansive underground rotunda. Splintered beams of light from the world above spill onto a PULPIT, nestled in stalagmites. An elderly PLUPPLE, JOBBLET, plupples out to address the crowd.
JOBBLET: Mm. Plup plup.
The PLUPPLES plup.
JOBBLET: Hmm, very good. I see we have an interloper in our midst.
MAIZEY: My name is Maizey. And I need to leave.
JOBBLET: Oh, it speaks! Well, Maizey, I’m not here to dictate the course of your plight. Us Plupples aren’t fit for decision-making. Yes, sir, we tend to leave matters of importance up to our wise master.
(to the PLUPPLES) With that in mind, my fellow Plupples, please plup your plups togetherㅡ
DOCTOR GOONDIS bellows amongst the cooing of the PLUPPLES.
JOBBLET (cont.): ... for the venerable… Doctor Goondis!
DOCTOR GOONDIS rises from the floor on a pedestal, surrounded by more, but smaller, PLUPPLES.
DOCTOR GOONDIS (to the PLUPPLES): Hello. I love you.
(to MAIZEY, or perhaps the viewer): I love all my Plupples.
JOBBLET: Ooh, venerable Doctor Goondis! Might you care to introduce yourself to the interloper we’ve all been hearing about.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: I am the man named Doctor Goondis. I am the glimmering beacon, and I’m both the mayor and the sheriff. Approach me now, and you won’t get hurt.
MAIZEY: I demand to know why I’m being held against my will!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You’re charged with various crimes, including allegedly harassing my dearest Plupples.
MAIZEY: Excuse me?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Don’t worry! You will soon go to jail.
JOBBLET: Venerable Doctor Goondis, what means of trial shall we grant this criminal?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Uh… (pauses) Uh… should probably figure that out. Mweep, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doopㅡ
(suddenly, to JOBBLET) I’ll tell you what. Bizarre and violent trial with a giant Plupple.
JOBBLET: Mm, so it is decided! The corn shall prove her innocence in combat with the giant beast-Plupple.
MAIZEY: This is ludicrous! My home planet is being devoured by a sinister bogeyman! I don’t have time for this!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: (odd giggles and mumbling) … However, don’t give us any problems, and I’ll delay the trial during this time, due to the fact I want to get perfectly sane. Ha, ha.
JOBBLET: Hm, yes, yes, we all know, venerable Doctor Goondis. You’re getting more and more sane by the day!
(to the PLUPPLES) The venerable Doctor Goondis has spoken. Plupples: take the corn to her holding cell, where she will be held until the Doctor feels sane enough to judge her physical testimony.
The PLUPPLES swarm MAIZEY and carry her off.
INT. MAIZEY’S CELL - NIGHT
A METAL GRATE slams shut, and MAIZEY finds herself alone in a darkened CELL. To her right, a PLUPPLE GUARD snores as he listens to the RADIO. MAIZEY listens in.
RADIO DJ: Well, you’re listening to Earth radio, and if you’re just tuning in, things are pretty bad. A giant evil guy with a gauntlet is currently eating the world. He ate Europe for lunch, burped so loud he sunk Iceland, and now he looks to be starting on North America for dinner! Everyone’s dying, and the world is basically over.
MAIZEY listens in horror, trapped, with no way to go back in time, no way to help. Suddenly, she flickers a bit, and for the first time, her holographic luminance begins to fade.
RADIO DJ (cont.): And, since it looks like we’ve only got time for one more song, let’s throw it over to this beloved ballad from the Risky Fixin’s!
SWEET GENE AND THE RISKY FIXIN’S sing “Plupple Honeymoon”. (To find the official page for the song, click here!)
GENE (sung): Sometimes your life/Don't go exactly how you planned
A volcano eats your wife/And a
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Witch kills all your friends
GENE (sung): And what else can you do/But hop aboard a spaceship with a
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): French fries and a can of soup?
[short instrumental break]
GENE (sung): You’ve gotta believe in yourself/Even if you’re just a
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Hologram
GENE (sung): Even if nobody gives a damn
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): (Even if nobody gives a damn)
GENE (sung): There’s not a/Single Plupple gonna stop you
‘Cause you got a plan/Travel back in time and murder Pam
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): (Travel back in time and fuckin’ murder Pam)
GENE (sung): Sometimes you get marooned
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh
GENE (sung): Didn't plan on Plupples for your honeymoon
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh-ooh
GENE (sung): Sometimes you get locked up
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh
GENE (sung): Sittin' in a cell while Plupples “plup plup plup”
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh-ooh
GENE (sung): But somewhere deep inside
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh
GENE (sung): You know your tasty lil’ pals are gonna
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ooh-ooh
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Find a way to save your hide!
[pause]
GENE: Three, four!
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Ah!
GENE (sung): You’ve got a/Love inside your heart
It’s burnin’ like a
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Fryin’ pan!
GENE (sung): So you keep existing if you can!
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Aah! (You keep existin’ if you can!)
GENE (sung): ‘Cause it’s the Hot Daga!
MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): Aah!
GENE (sung): A juicy lil' tale about/Just doin’ the best you can
And it’s got a hundred-billion fans!
[short instrumental break]
GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (sung): And it's critically… acclaimed!
The RADIO cuts out.
MAIZEY (to herself): The fact that I doubted myselfㅡfor even a split secondㅡis some military-grade bullshit. I’m gonna get off this stupid Plupple planet yet. I just need…
A VOICE: Some help?
MAIZEY: What? W-who is that?
VOICE: I think the question you meant to ask is… witch is that?
From the shadows of MAIZEY’S CELL, a FIGURE appears. It is glowing and small, about forty percent bigger than Jiminy Cricket.
PAM: It’s me. Pam. And I’m pissed.
Will MAIZEY triumph in gladiatorial combat? Did GENE and MIKE SOUP survive the crash landing? Will DOCTOR GOONDIS regain his sanity? Why is PAM little? Find out next season on the Grammy-award-winning Hot Daga, commissioned by Ryan Steven Bergara.
SEASON 4: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples
Rolling Hills Asylum - Q+A
EXT. TOMAT-ZERO - EVENING
Previously en route to procure a Bernoulli converter and travel back in time to save their friends, the crew of the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE crash-landed on TOMAT-ZERO, planet of the gentle PLUPPLE. Thrown far from the crash, MAIZEY was apprehended by the PLUPPLES and, after pleading with JOBBLET, THE ELDER PLUPPLE, and THE VENERABLE DOCTOR GOONDIS, she was tossed into a SUBTERRANEAN PRISON, where she awaits trial by combat. Meanwhile, the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE sits silently in the wilds of TOMAT-ZERO, looking a bit worse for wear, but still in one piece. From the bush, a PLUPPLE.
PLUPPLE #1: Plup! One! Big one for us!
Once more, a PLUPPLE emerges from the bush.
PLUPPLE #2: Mm. Yes. Wow, wow, wow. Yes, yes. Good. Big one for us.
PLUPPLE #1: Big one. Hello!
As the PLUPPLES climb about the STARSHIP, the MINESTRONE’S COMPUTER SYSTEM lumbers to life.
MINESTRONE AI: Greetings. I am the Starship: Minestrone.
PLUPPLE #1 yelps.
PLUPPLE #2: Mm! No! No, no! Big one talks!
MINESTRONE AI: I’m kind of messed up, but I await your orders, captain.
PLUPPLE #1: Aah! Big one!
MINESTRONE AI: Wait, who the hell are you? Where’s Captain Mike Soup?
PLUPPLE #1: I am Mike Soup!
PLUPPLE #2: Who, who, I am Mike Soup!
Both PLUPPLES explode.
MINESTRONE AI: What the fuck was that?
A VOICE (GENE).
VOICE: Whoa! Clean-up on Aisle “Weird Alien Planet.”
Audience laughter. A second VOICE (MIKE SOUP).
VOICE #2: Holy shit, that’s funny, Gene. Was that from something?
From the inside of the ship, a beautiful french fries (GENE) and a very reliable can of soup (MIKE SOUP) emerge.
MINESTRONE AI: Captain, good to see you are alive. And Gene, too, seriously, was that “clean-up on weird alien planet” bit from something?
GENE: Mm, nope! I just said it!
MIKE SOUP: Well, in any case, like any soup worth its salt, we’ve got to assess our circumstances here.
(to MINESTRONE AI) Minestrone! My wonderful starship, who I actually love like a wife: systems check.
MINESTRONE AI: I love you too, Captain. Systems are fine, despite those Chili Pirates roughing us up. I gotta take a nap or something, though.
MIKE SOUP: Sleep, my darling spaceship.
MINESTRONE AI: Baller. Powering down.
The STARSHIP: MINESTRONE powers down.
MIKE SOUP: Gene.
GENE: Yes, Captain?
MIKE SOUP: Any sign of Maizey in the immediate vicinity?
GENE: Mm, no corn here. She’s tough as turkey jerky, though, and doesn’t have any internal organs, so she likely survived the descent!
MIKE SOUP: Excellent analysis. And why is that winged, sexy, blue peach about to attack us from the sky?
A screeching. A horrifying, winged PLUPPLE (a SKY-BEAST) bares its teeth, its talons poised to attack.
GENE: Whoa, I can’t die! I’m beloved!
Suddenly, a HOODED FIGURE (GARCE) pounces from the BRUSH and gestures to the SKY BEAST.
GARCE: Uh, bah! Shotat, chucka-too!
The HOODED FIGURE holds out an offering, and the winged CREATURE, appeased, grabs it and flies off.
GARCE: Huh! Almost got yourselves into some hot water there, guys, wow!
MIKE SOUP: Who are you, hooded sphere?
The HOODED FIGURE takes off his cloak to reveal that he is GARCE.
GARCE: Oh, h-hey there, my name’s Garce; I’m a Plupple!
GENE: Oh, I’m Gene, and that’s Mike! We’ve got a whole story.
MIKE SOUP: Do you have control of the sky beasts, Garce?
GARCE: Ohㅡoh, no, hah, I just paid him to leave, but long story, but I won a contest, and now I’m on the money, so I get as much of it as I want! H-here, have some Plupple bucks.
GARCE hands MIKE SOUP and GENE some PLUPPLE BUCKS.
GENE: Well, thanks! Question: what the hell’s going on?
GARCE: Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, hey, so I heard you talking about Maizey.
MIKE SOUP: Wait, you know Maizey?
GARCE: Oh, for sure, yeah. Last I saw her, she fell down a pit, and you know, that stinks, but hey, I got a hunch I know where she is. Happy to take you guys there.
GENE (to MIKE): Soup?
MIKE SOUP: Eh. Best shot we got, I suppose.
(to GARCE) Lead the way, Plupple, but if you do anything dumb, I will kill you with my hat.
Will GENE and MIKE find MAIZEY? Will MAIZEY face trial by combat under the orders of DOCTOR GOONDIS? Will the crew of the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE procure the BERNOULLI CONVERTER they need to travel back in time and save their friends? Why is PAM little? Find out this season on the Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples!
Bellaire House - Q+A
In the SUBTERRANEAN CAVERNS of the alien planet TOMAT-ZERO, a holographic corn named MAIZEY sits, confined in a PLUPPLE PRISON CELL. To her side, the tiny ghost of a hot dog witch named PAM.
INT. MAIZEY’S CELL - NIGHT
MAIZEY: Okay, look. Before you get into whatever thing you’re all about now, I have to tell you, I’m not a big fan.
PAM: That’s fair.
MAIZEY: You conjured me from nothing―
PAM: That’s true.
MAIZEY: ―As part of some pawn in your, I don’t know, plot? Or just your stupid disaster of a life?
PAM: (getting more uncomfortable) Uh huh.
MAIZEY: And yet, you bestowed a life of memories into my holographic brain. Didn’t need to do that, by the way. That’s cruel, you understand that?
PAM: I―I know.
MAIZEY: And you even let me know love! True love! Completely unnecessary!
PAM: It was a bad move.
MAIZEY: Only to drop my wife’s ass into an actual volcano!
PAM: (weakly) Hell yeah.
MAIZEY: Nope. You better shut up there, witch.
PAM: I’m sorry.
MAIZEY: And for what? Some petty bullshit that I’m not even a part of? I don’t know you, hot dog. And I didn’t ask to exist―in fact, I was very content not being. But now, thanks to you, a-hole, I do exist. I feel. I suffer. And I get pissed about stuff like, oh, being stuck on a prison on a planet full of very dumb blue things and their drooling, Humpty-Dumpty-ass King, or my crew mates! The soup, and my spectacular Grammy-winning brother-in-law, probably being dead as hell in the jungle somewhere! And while we’re on the subject, it’s worth noting that I’d probably happily die myself, except, oops, I’m in love with a dead, wonderful, french fries, and I’m gonna do everything I can to travel back in time and save her ass, by, I guess, killing you.
MAIZEY leans towards PAM aggressively.
MAIZEY: Why are you little?
PAM takes a deep breath.
PAM: Well―
JOBBLET: Plup plup.
From the CORRIDOR, the call of JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, echoes.
MAIZEY: Oh, Jesus Christ.
PAM sniffs the air.
PAM: Huh, that smells like magic. Look, I’m sorry about doing you dirty. I’m a nasty, old, hot dog witch, and you don’t trust me, I get it. Plus, I’m little now, and that’s probably very confusing.
MAIZEY: Yeah, why are you li―
PAM: There’s no time!
JOBBLET: Here comes Jobblet! Hoo, nee too, la, rah, la, roo!
MAIZEY: Shit or get off the pot, hot dog witch! I’m about to get carried off and eaten by a big-ass Plupple!
PAM: What the hell is a Plupple?
MAIZEY: It’s like a peach, but dumb as hell.
JOBBLET: Oh, isn’t it very nice to enter a room!
MAIZEY: Oh, well, great! You’re officially worthless to me, witch!
PAM: That’s not fair! But I am going to disappear right now! Pam, Pam, kazam!
PAM disappears in a poof, just as JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, enters.
MAIZEY: (under her breath) Good-for-nothin’ witch!
JOBBLET: Hmm?
MAIZEY: Oh, I―I said your eyebrows are very thick!
JOBBLET: Oh, thank you! Yes, I love them. Anyway, the venerable Doctor Goondis is feeling much saner now, and he requests your audience in his throne room! Perhaps a few parting words before the trial by combat.
MAIZEY: Fine.
JOBBLET: Also, bit of an update for you: your crewmates survived the crash!
MAIZEY: Oh! Great!
JOBBLET: But then they were attacked by a pack of feral Plupples and perished.
MAIZEY: What? No… Mike… Gene… they couldn’t have… I don’t believe you.
JOBBLET: Well, always trust a Plupple.
MAIZEY: Always trust a Plupple.
JOBBLET: Anyway, off we go to see the venerable Doctor Goondis! Plup, plup! Hoo, la, rah!
What does the venerable DOCTOR GOONDIS have in store for our holographic hero? How will MAIZEY press on in the wake of the death of her crew mates? Why is PAM little? Find out next time on the Hot Daga.
Fade to a screen for a brief moment’s contemplation of the offscreen deaths of CAPTAIN MIKE SOUP, and GENE, the greatest character ever written, now laid to rest on the planet of the PLUPPLES.
Ohio State Reformatory - Q+A
EXT. WHITE VOID - SOME TIME AGO
A HOT DOG WITCH awakens. Her name is PAM. From the VOID, a VOICE.
VOICE: Pam… didn’t expect to see you here so soon.
A FIGURE appears. An elderly CRAB (PAPA CRAB), luminous, with, like, one of those cool HATS that you can win at SIX FLAGS.
PAM: Who are you?
PAPA CRAB laughs.
PAPA CRAB: Oh, Pam… the question is… who am I?
PAM: (confusedly) Y-yes.
PAPA CRAB: I am he, who you will never know. Father of Gina and Murry. Father of many things, in fact. Protector of the light, et-cetera.
PAM: W-where are we?
PAPA CRAB: Well, I haven’t quite put that together yet. My guess is we’ve got some things to discuss, you and me.
PAM: I―I don’t have time for this. I’ve got―
PAPA CRAB: (slightly bitterly) You’ve got what? Things to do?
PAM: Matter of fact, I do, you appetizer.
PAPA CRAB: Well, before you run off to whatever so urgently demands your attention―why don’t you catch me up on where you are in the grand scheme of things?
PAM: Ugh. Fine. I murdered a bunch of sordid foodstuffs to appease the Dark Master, because I’m a baller-ass witch who does stuff like that. Then I informed him of the prophecy fulfillment so he could summon his Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P.
PAPA CRAB: G.U.P. G.U.P. G.U.P.
PAM: Yeah, the G.U.P.
PAPA CRAB: And then what?
PAM: And then he… he pointed the G.U.P. at me, and I… and I was here.
PAPA CRAB: Oh, okay. We’re both dead, then. This is, uh, for sure, a place where we’re both dead.
PAM: What? Shut up. Nobody’s got the condiments to kill a witch like me.
PAPA CRAB: Oh, we’re for sure dead. I’ve been in here for years, and I had no idea, but you telling me that story made me realize that my last memory was of putting the goldfish in my mouth to make my children laugh. Then I choked to death.
PAM: (heartbroken) Then… the Dark Master… betrayed me?
PAPA CRAB: Oh, you’re running with that guy? He sucks. Play shitty games, win shitty prizes, Pam.
PAM: I killed my own sister… and her husband, and sort of their son in a roundabout way, all for nothing!
PAPA CRAB: Yeah, that―that’s messed up.
PAM (to herself): You know, I was so consumed with hate and anger that I lost sight of who I was. Where I came from. The things I loved.
PAPA CRAB: M―yeah, okay.
PAM: Are you just, like, checked out of this conversation now?
PAPA CRAB: What? L-look, lady, I’m not some sage gatekeeper here to impart advice. I’m just a guy in a void. If you’re so torn up about what you did to your fellow hot dogs, just get back in the game as a ghost.
PAM: Oh, is that an option?
PAPA CRAB: Oh, for sure. But be warned: once you die as a ghost, you’re done for good. You get one last stab at it, then it’s lights out. It’s sort of like reheating leftover fish.
PAM: (uncomfortably) Uh, tight. So how do I, uh―
PAPA CRAB gasps as a rumbling starts to shake the VOID.
PAPA CRAB: Crabra-cadabra!
The SPIRIT GATE appears.
PAPA CRAB: Just, uh―before you enter the Spirit Gate, make sure you announce your intent and proclaim your spirit form.
PAM: Uh, all right.
PAM approaches the SPIRIT DOOR.
PAM (to the SPIRIT DOOR): I enter this door with the intent to right my wrongs, to aid those who I have harmed, and to defeat the evils I sought unleash.
(pauses) The world’s had its fair share of the Dark Master. Maybe it’s time… for a little Pam.
PAM enters through the DOOR.
Fade to white.
Phoenix Lights - Q+A
EXT. TOMAT-ZERO JUNGLE FOREST - DAY
The tiny ghost of a HOT DOG WITCH Apparates in the middle of the JUNGLE FOREST of the alien planet TOMAT-ZERO. Her name is PAM, and for the first time in her afterlife, she’s doing the best she can.
PAM: (calling) Gene! Mike Soup! It’s me, Pam! We don’t know each other super well beyond me dropping all your friends in a volcano!
PAM laughs to herself.
PAM (cont.): Oh, man, I can’t believe that worked. Anyway, I got murked and it chilled me out. Just visited Maizey in a subterranean prison cell, and it seemed like she could use your help. So I “Pam, Pam, kazam”-ed out of there, which is my catchphrase, now that I’m fun. Anyway, I’m here to help now, so… come on out!
Silence.
PAM: Tell ya what, I hate this planet.
As PAM continues through the JUNGLE, her eyes behold an EERIE SIGHT. The lifeless bodies of GENE, a NOBEL-PEACE-PRIZE WINNING FRENCH FRIES, and CAPTAIN MIKE SOUP, a guy who was really good soup.
PAM: Oh, what the heck? I… I know I spent a great deal of my life trying to make you guys dead, and full disclosure: seeing you this way, there’s a small part of my funky, no-good heart that’s like, “Hell yeah!” But the rest of me is different now.
(to GENE’S BODY) The rest of me weeps to know that I’ll never hear another chart-topping hit from Gene, the french fries who sang songs so good that the U.S. government lays their engraved sum of their lyrics onto the face of the Moon.
(to MIKE SOUP’S BODY) And Mike Soup, I know you pretended you weren’t the infamous Soup Baron, but we’re all pretty sure you were. Without you, the Chili Wars might still be raging.
VOICE: Oh, wow, haha, a little talking hot dog lady!
From the BRUSH, a PLUPPLE (GARCE).
PAM: (startled) Oh―freeze, dingleberry! Get your hands where I can see them, or I’ll do some messed up ghost witch stuff to you that would make puke, puke.
GARCE: Oh, hey, no, no, no big deal. Hey, you want some mint? It’s got my face on it.
GARCE laughs.
GARCE: Here’s a million Plupple bucks.
GARCE throws PLUPPLE BUCKS at PAM.
PAM: I don’t want your money, you ho-humming bean bag! I want to know who ordered you to kill these travelers, since you’re obviously too inept to make any decisions for yourself.
GARCE: Huh? Oh, no, they’re just napping, is all. Promise!
GARCE laughs.
GARCE: You can trust me. I’m a Plupple.
PAM: (aggressively sarcastic) Oh, all right. That actually makes sense to me, because the one thing I’ve always said is you can definitely trust someone who repeatedly insists you can trust them, you idiot! I don’t care if you’re a Plupple, I don’t care if you’re Alfred Molina! You think I murdered an entire menu of beloved wedding guests by being honest? I’m the queen of deception and straight-up dirty tricks. “Game recognize game,” however inferior. Hope you don’t have much on your to-do list, donkey nut, because you’re about to get possessed by a hot dog witch!
GARCE: Huh. Oh, wow. What the heck you talking about?
PAM hovers in the air briefly, then shoots toward the unsuspecting PLUPPLE.
PAM: Pam, Pam, ka-zam!
GARCE stands motionless. He blinks.
GARCE: (quietly) Shouldn’t’ve done that, hot dog.
Ominous music. From deep inside GARCE, PAM’S voice echoes, faint.
PAM: W-what the hell? W-where am I?
GARCE: Should’ve done your homework, hot dog. Only thing deep inside me to possess is a pit.
PAM: Oh, this is messed up! How was I supposed to know Plupples have pits?
GARCE laughs.
GARCE: They don’t! Enjoy your stay, Pam!
GARCE moves to walk away, but GENE awakes.
GENE: Whoa! What’s all the commotion?
Nearby, MIKE SOUP awakes from his nap.
MIKE SOUP: I’ve just had a tremendously confusing dream about that old hot dog witch, Pam.
GENE: Oh, that lady bummed me out!
GARCE: (nervously) Oh, heh, hey guys! We better get a move on if we want to reach your friend before sundown. Ha, I let you sleep an extra ten minutes because you looked so at peace!
MIKE SOUP: Oh, gosh, you’re a peach.
GENE: Oh, you said it, Mike!
Moon River Brewing - Q+A
INT. JOBBLET'S STALACTITE PENTHOUSE - DAY
In the SUBTERRANEAN PLUPPLE CAVE of the planet TOMAT-ZERO, JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, lounges in his STALACTITE PENTHOUSE, readying himself for the spectacle of MAIZEY’S trial by combat. JOBBLET has an orange spot on his forehead.
JOBBLET: Heh, ooh, Jobblet, what have you gotten yourself into this time, hmm? Well, anyway, back to status quo soon. Enough racket, really. Yes, sir, a little peace and quiet, under the, heh heh, the guiding hand of the venerable Doctor Goondis, oh boy. Then I can really focus on my brows. Mm, my luscious, strong, good brows.
A PLUPPLE GUARD enters.
PLUPPLE GUARD: Plup!
JOBBLET: Ah. Plup, plup. Very good. Send them in.
GARCE enters, along with MIKE SOUP and GENE.
GARCE: Uh, hey man. Brows are looking great, wow.
JOBBLET: Garce, my boy. I see you’ve brought some pals.
MIKE SOUP: Swanky stalactite, Plupple.
JOBBLET: Hello, boys. I’ve heard many great things about you. I hope Tomat-Zero’s been treating you well. My name’s, uh, Jobblet.
JOBBLET brings them beverages.
JOBBLET (cont.) Drinks?
GENE: Ooh, boy, we could use ‘em!
MIKE SOUP: Wait, Gene. I’m not in the habit of taking drinks from blue strangers.
JOBBLET: Oh, Michael, be reasonable. I have no nefarious intentions. Plupple’s honor.
MIKE SOUP: Hmm. Very well. We could use a drink.
JOBBLET hands the boys some drinks. He raises a glass.
JOBBLET: Well, here’s to meeting new bros in space! Hup!
MIKE SOUP: Hmm, bit presumptuous, but I’ll drink to that. Hup!
They all drink.
GENE: Hup! Hey man, no offense to a Plupple, but who are you?
JOBBLET: Oh, heh, heh, I’m sort of the right hand man to the big egg.
MIKE SOUP: You mean Doctor Goondis?
JOBBLET: Oh, you’ve heard of the man?
GENE: Oh, they go way back. They were thick as milkshakes in the Chili War together, right?
MIKE SOUP: I don’t want to talk about the war, but yeah, we kicked ass. Anyway, we’d like to collect our friend Maizey and talk with Goondis ASAP about a part for my beautiful Starship: Minestrone. She’s ill, the poor thing.
JOBBLET: Well, any friend of Goondis is a friend of mine. You wouldn’t happen to be looking for his Bernoulli converter, would you? Because I happen to have that, right here, all yours.
JOBBLET tosses the converter to MIKE SOUP.
GENE: Whoa, that was easy! Well, let’s grab Maizey and get out of here!
JOBBLET: Oh, I just have one favor to ask for in return. Small thing, really.
MIKE SOUP: Name it.
JOBBLET: Garce is gonna need you to accompany him on a short trip.
MIKE SOUP: (having a hard time making sense) That’s, uh, not really convenient. Is, uh… is Maizey around? W-We’ve really gotta, um…
JOBBLET: Oh, Maizey’s in safe hands, trust me. In fact, she’s gearing up for trial by combat this very moment! Law’s the law, boys.
GENE: No, Maizey, uh…
(woozily) Say, what’s in this Plupple grog? It’s, uh…
MIKE SOUP: (almost unconscious) W-What did you… you shitty Plupple… I’m gonna kill you with my hat…
GENE: (delirious) But… I-I’m beloved!
JOBBLET: Oh, you were beloved, Gene. By the people of Earth! And I regret to inform you that they’re all dead now. Thanks, in large part, to you, actually.
GENE: Y-You’re gonna die for this… you Plupple fuck…
GENE and MIKE SOUP fall unconscious and onto the floor.
JOBBLET: Well, that took long enough.
(to GARCE) Garce, the Persica’s all fueled up in the launch bay. Coordinates should be uploaded. Don’t forget the Converter; he wants that too.
GARCE: Y-You got it. Haul ‘em away, boys. Oh, hey, you missed a spot, Papa.
JOBBLET observes a small patch on his forehead. It is not blue.
JOBBLET: Oh, seems I have.
GARCE exits with the boys. Suddenly, a COMMUNICATION SCREEN opens up.
DARK MASTER: Jobblet.
JOBBLET: Oh! Oh, yes, Master!
DARK MASTER: Is the package secured?
JOBBLET: Oh, yes, Master. The soup and french fries are en route.
DARK MASTER: And the Converter?
JOBBLET: That as well. All of them tied up with a little bow on top.
DARK MASTER: Excellent. By the time they arrive, I should be done digesting Earth.
JOBBLET: Oh, so we’re square, then.
DARK MASTER: I will extend the dark cloud over Goondis’s mind for the time being, but know that I may call upon your services in the future.
JOBBLET: Thank you, Master. Well, if that’s all settled, I’m off to watch a giant Plupple murder a holo-corn.
DARK MASTER: I don’t care.
The TRANSMISSION cuts out.
Will MAIZEY survive a battle with a giant Plupple? Where are MIKE SOUP and GENE going? Is SMEECH still a part of this thing? Tune in next week for the return of the venerable DOCTOR GOONDIS in an all-new installment of the Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples!
Sorrel-Weed Mansion - Q+A
INT. PLUPPLE STADIUM ARENA - DAY
In the SUBTERRANEAN PLUPPLE CAVE STADIUM of the planet TOMAT-ZERO, MAIZEY, the holographic corn, stands in the center of an expansive COLOSSEUM. In the stands, the PLUPPLES have gathered in droves, though they’re not super aware of what’s going on, which is that MAIZEY is about to prove her innocence in trial by combat against a GIANT PLUPPLE. JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, addresses the CROWD from his pulpit in the stands.
JOBBLET: Oh, plup, plup, my fellow Plupples! It’s almost Friday: the day for kissing. Everybody’s pluppin’ for the weekend, am I right?
The PLUPPLES plup with excitement.
JOBBLET: But before we finish off another wonderful week of mining for that special mineral that makes my eyebrows look as good as they do, we have some business to attend to!
The PLUPPLES plup with excitement.
JOBBLET: Now, I’m sure you’ve all noticed a lot of commotion around here lately, but I can assure you things will get back to status plup, ASAP. As you, no doubt, recall, we have been terrorized by the hologram corn interloper who stands before us.
(to MAIZEY) Uh, Maizey, can you say hi to them?
MAIZEY: Hello, Plupples.
The PLUPPLES plup.
JOBBLET: Now, the venerable Doctor Goondis has graciously offered our dear friend here the chance to prove her innocence via trial by combat. But he had to heal up, get more sane, you all know how Doctor Goondis gets.
The PLUPPLES begin to chant for DOCTOR GOONDIS.
MAIZEY: Hey! Brows! Wrap it up!
JOBBLET: Hm. Well, I suppose it’s time to bring out our dear leader to see if he’s sane and ready. Plupples, plup your plups together for the venerable Doctor Ernesto Gordon Goondis!
The chant grows as a giant pulpit raises in the stands. A gruesome, drooling egg: it is Doctor Goondis. He does not look well.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Alright, I’m back.
MAIZEY: (yells) Goondis!
JOBBLET (to MAIZEY): Look, Maizey, some decorum.
MAIZEY (to JOBBLET): No.
(to DOCTOR GOONDIS) Goondis, if you value your life, you might consider staying out of mine. Really. Is there any way we can just put this all behind us? Maybe if you just let me find my friends and get out of here.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Are you fucking kidding me? You shouldn’t have asked that question.
MAIZEY: I―I figured it was worth a shot. Uh, I’ll still do your stupid combat thing.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Oh, thank God. Phew! I was about to flip my shit.
MAIZEY: Even though, full disclosure, no offense, you seem nuts.
Every PLUPPLE on the planet gasps.
JOBBLET: Oh, Maizey!
MAIZEY: What? The guy can barely string a sentence together.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: (angrily) I may be just a dumb Doctor Goondis, but I am so clever, some describe me as being a god.
JOBBLET: Oh, venerable Doctor! The lady thinks you’re touched in the mind. Can you please put her in her place?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Okay.
JOBBLET: Hm, uh, here he goes!
DOCTOR GOONDIS and the PLUPPLES sing "Doctor Goondis' Rap". (To find the official page for the song, click here!)
DOCTOR GOONDIS with PLUPPLE BACKUP (sung): Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis.
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): My name is Doctor Goondis/And I’m here to say:
You will soon straight-up die today/All my little Plupples know, I’m perfectly sane
So now it’s time to play my funny little game/My giant fuckin’ Plupple’s gonna kill you dead
But here’s a little something from the top of my head:
DOCTOR GOONDIS with PLUPPLE BACKUP (sung): Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis.
[short instrumental change]
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): All the Plupples in the house say/Hoo! Duh, goo goo agh bleh!
ALL PLUPPLES (sung): Hoo! Duh, goo goo agh bleh!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Brreah, brreah/Boom, boom, ma’am!
ALL PLUPPLES (sung): Brreah, brreah/Boom, boom, ma’am!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Goondis, Goondis/Heh, heh, heh, heh!
ALL PLUPPLES (sung): Goondis, Goondis/Heh, heh, heh, ha!
Goondis, Goondis/Heh, heh, heh, ha!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (to MAIZEY): Also, I swear to God, if you kill my giant Plupple, I’m going to skin you alive.
DOCTOR GOONDIS mutters to himself.
DOCTOR GOONDIS (to MAIZEY): Good luck.
JOBBLET: Mm-hmm! Well, he seems sane enough. Let the combat begin! Release Moofus.
The cranking of the heavy iron gate echoes in the ARENA, as a gargantuan feral PLUPPLE lumbers into view. It is blue, like you’ve never seen blue, and it dwarves MAIZEY. While DOCTOR GOONDIS stares blankly, the PLUPPLES plup, and JOBBLET barks at the giant PLUPPLE from the crowd.
JOBBLET: Faster, Moofus!
The giant PLUPPLE lumbers ever closer and roars in response.
MOOFUS: (slowly): “Faster, Moofus!”
MAIZEY scrambles backwards.
MAIZEY: Whoa, whoa now! I don’t wanna hurt you!
MOOFUS: “I don’t wanna hurt you!”
JOBBLET continues to hiss.
JOBBLET: Now, Moofus! Now!
MOOFUS: “Now, Moofus!”
As the giant PLUPPLE bears down on MAIZEY, she closes her eyes for a brief moment. They snap open.
MAIZEY: I’m so sorry, Moofus.
MOOFUS: “I’m so sorry, Moofus!”
MAIZEY: I am not a giant Plupple!
MOOFUS: “I am not a giant Plupple!”
MOOFUS stops, from deep in his belly, a rumbling. JOBBLET stands up in the crowd, horrified. The giant PLUPPLE, now in agony, bellows one final time.
MOOFUS: Thank you, Maizey.
JOBBLET: (whispers) Mother of God.
MOOFUS explodes. It is deafening.
Tune in next week for the season finale of the Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples!
Villa Montezuma - Q+A
INT. PLUPPLE STADIUM ARENA - DAY
In the SUBTERRANEAN PLUPPLE CAVE STADIUM on the planet TOMAT-ZERO, MAIZEY awakens to a scene of chaos and devastation in the wake of the GIANT PLUPPLE explosion. Innocent PLUPPLES wildly scramble to flee the crumbling COLOSSEUM. Dazed, MAIZEY can barely get to her feet. With the sound of an impact nearby, a blast of debris launches a maimed JOBBLET to the ground in front of the HOLOGRAPHIC CORN. JOBBLET looks different. Even his eyebrows are not as good.
MAIZEY: (shocked) Y-You’re a… you’re a peach!
JOBBLET coughs.
JOBBLET: (sarcastically) Oh, congrats. Where’d you go to college? Detective school?
MAIZEY: Look, peach. This whole cave is about to collapse on our asses. All you have to do is tell me where Garce is headed with my friends and I’ll drag you out of here so you can live out the rest of your miserable life.
JOBBLET: (chuckling pathetically) Heh, it doesn’t―it doesn’t matter. They’re headed to the Dark Master. Let me―let me die here with my brows looking… s-so great.
JOBBLET passes out.
MAIZEY: Ugh. Your brows look like shit, but I’m gonna save your life for my benefit.
MAIZEY picks up a beaten, old COMMUNICATOR from the rubble at her feet. The COMMUNICATOR beeps.
MAIZEY: Maizey to Minestrone.
MINESTRONE A.I.: Oh, hey. This is the Minestrone. I was napping.
MAIZEY: Uh, mind giving me a lift out of the Plupple Cave State? Few more minutes and I’m cornmeal.
MINESTRONE A.I.: Baller. Hang tight.
Suddenly, DOCTOR GOONDIS bellows. DOCTOR GOONDIS, now fully insane, staggers towards MAIZEY.
MAIZEY: Goondis! I have no beef with you. You’re clearly dealing with some stuff. Just let me leave this planet.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Don’t worry! Doctor Goondis will murder you.
MAIZEY: I―I feel like you’re not being receptive to literally any of my shit.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Time for death.
DOCTOR GOONDIS giggles. The deranged EGG bears down on MAIZEY with a violent madness in his bloodshot eyes, when suddenly, the CAVE ceiling collapses, showering the area with rubble and giant stalactites. A ray of light appears in the CAVE as the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE. Below, the dust settles to find MAIZEY and JOBBLET alive and well, but the venerable DOCTOR GOONDIS is cracked in two by a dislodged STALACTITE.
MAIZEY (to herself): Oh, God. I gotta get off this planet.
(to MINESTRONE A.I.) Minestrone! Activate the tractor beam!
MINESTRONE A.I.: Powering up. Please hold.
MAIZEY: (sarcastically) All right. Yeah, no rush.
MAIZEY stands awkwardly for a few seconds. Suddenly, the halved shells of the late DOCTOR GOONDIS quiver, and then…
AN AVIATOR CHICKEN pops out of the shell.
DOCTOR GOONDIS and the PLUPPLES sing “Outta My Shell”. (To find the official page for the song, click here!)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Oh! Well...
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Oh well)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Coming outta my shell!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Comin’ outta my shell)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Whoever knew that it could feel so swell?/Yes! Well, today
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Today)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): I’m here to stay
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (I’m here to stay)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (with BACKUP VOCALS) (sung): I’m sad that giant Plupple passed away
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): R.I.P. Moofus!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): You know/In all our lives we go through darkness
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (He’s feelin’ sad)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): For example, I was hypnotized/For many many years, and I’m
Frankly not too happy about it
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Oh, no, no, no)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (with BACKUP VOCALS) (sung): But soon my troubles passed me/By, by, by
And I’m unburdened, and I'm feathery, and/This bird is feelin’ ready to
Take it to the sky!
[pause]
I, I wonder why/Those Plupples made a king of
Such simple guy/You’d think they want a ruler
Maybe saner and a little cooler/But a cracked egg with
Two vacant eyes...
Okay!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): Plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup!/Plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): Go! Go! Go!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): Plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup plup!
MAIZEY (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): Hey, uh, I hate to interrupt your song…
DOCTOR GOONDIS (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): Oh, no, go for it, it’s the instrumental break.
MAIZEY (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): Well, the planet is falling apart, and I’ve gotta leave.
DOCTOR GOONDIS (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): Hey, you need a little company?
MAIZEY (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): I mean, I guess I could use someone to keep the treacherous peach in line when he wakes up.
DOCTOR GOONDIS (while BACKUP VOCALS plup): Well, then I’m your chicken!
DOCTOR GOONDIS (with BACKUP VOCALS) (sung): Life in a shell can be hell if you're under a spell!
But if you do your best, I attest/Your tasty friends’ll take care of the rest
I once killed the Pope with my friend Mike Soup!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Mike Soup)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): But he was bad, so it was rad/And now it’s firmly in the past
Now I’m ready to fly the coop!/Oh shoot
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Oh shoot)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (sung): It’s been a hoot!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (It’s been a hoot)
DOCTOR GOONDIS (with BACKUP VOCALS) (sung): Wish I could hang, but, oh/Gosh dang, I gotta scoot!
I think I’ll grab a ride/With a holographic corn
Right by my side/Oh, by the way,
I’m Doctor Goondis/So pleased to meet-cha!
Let’s go and find your friends!
DOCTOR GOONDIS and MAIZEY are beamed up by the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Doctor Goondis has left the planet of the Plupples!
(on a second note) Come on, Smeech!
SEASON 5: Showdown at the Space Buffet
Collar Bomb - Q+A
EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND - DAY, YEARS AGO
A beautiful TROPICAL ISLAND, dappled SUN falls onto the face of a PEACH named JOBBLET, relaxing on the sandy SHORE. His brows are something else, baby.
JOBBLET: Mm, mm, mm! A more ideal situation I can scarcely conjur. The life of a peach: who can beat it?
He takes a sip from his piña colada. From the tropical BRUSH, a holler.
GARCE: Uh, uh, hey, Pops!
JOBBLET: Mm, Garce, my boy!
GARCE, a young PEACH, runs up to his father. Behind him, a LADY PEACH (MERGA).
MERGA: Garce, what did I tell you about troubling your father during his rest times?
JOBBLET: Oh, Merga, that’s all right. The boy is very good; he’ll have my eyebrows one day.
GARCE: (hopefully) Oh, you really think so, Pops?
JOBBLET: Mm, I’m, like, forty-percent sure. I guess it’s hard to say: genes are funny like that. I guess your mother doesn’t have very good brows, so who knows, quite honestly.
MERGA: Ha, ha, ha. Well, you can’t blame me for that, I’m dead.
GARCE: Ha ha! That’s true.
JOBBLET: Ha, ha… wait, what?
MERGA: Oh, don’t you recall, Jobblet? I was blown to smithereens on that transport ship during the Chili Wars. You buried my pit.
GARCE: Ha, ha, yeah, she sure is dead. Wake up, Dad!
JOBBLET: Wh… what? No, no, that can’t be…
MERGA: Wake up, honey.
JOBBLET: No, I won’t believe it! My brows are still immaculate… but you can’t… you can’t be!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: (disembodied) I said wake up, you bum!
INT. STARSHIP: MINESTRONE - DAY
JOBBLET wakes with a start on the BRIG of the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE, surrounded by a charismatic, tough-as-nails CORN (MAIZEY), a cocky, flying-ace CHICKEN (DOCTOR GOONDIS), and SMEECH.
JOBBLET yells and stutters.
JOBBLET: D-Don’t hurt me, please, I never meant to lead you astray!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Can it, produce! We’re not here to hurt ya. Naw, see, that’s what separates us from you. According to the corn, anyway. Sure, if I had it my way, I’d peck at ya all the way down to your pit for what you did to me. But it ain’t about what I want.
SMEECH: Wheee!
MAIZEY: The Doctor’s right. We’re not here to hurt you, and I think that’s evident, considering we just let you take a three-hour nap.
JOBBLET: Oh, that was three hours? I told you to wake me up after ten minutes. No wonder I’m groggy.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: I’m going to pluck out all my feathers and shove them down your throat, I swear to God.
JOBBLET: Oh, please, no, oh, God, oh, no, my brows!
MAIZEY: Doctor, some restraint. Listen, peach, the Doc’s a little peeved because you ruined a large portion of his life. That’s only fair. But, seeing as I set him free, he’s promised to leave you untouched so long as you help us find our friends.
JOBBLET: Oh, you mean Gene and Mike Soup?
The STARSHIP: MINESTRONE shudders as her SYSTEM blinks violently.
MINESTRONE A.I.: Don’t you even say his name, or I’ll suck your ass out my airlock, you fuzzy fraudster.
JOBBLET: Oh, no, what was that?
MAIZEY: Well, okay, thatㅡthat was the ship. She was very close with Mike Soupㅡlisten, everyone on this ship, except for maybe Smeechㅡ
SMEECH: Wheee!
MAIZEY: We all want you dead. Including me. But I’m not gonna let that happen, so long as you take us to our pals, so start talking.
JOBBLET: O-Okay, okay. They’re on route to the O-Nion Station Space Buffet.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: The luxury space station vacation destination? I almost bought a timeshare there before the Warㅡnice property, good square footage.
MINESTRONE A.I.: Why didn’t you pull the trigger?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Cold feet? I don’t know. I was an egg.
JOBBLET: Look, all I know is that the Dark Master instructed us to bring them there. That’s all I know, I swear! I swear on my brows.
MAIZEY: Well, your brows are turds now, FYI, but I’ll take your word for it.
(to MINESTRONE A.I.) Minestrone, set a course for the O-Nion Station!
MINESTRONE A.I.: Baller.
The MINESTRONE powers up, and… zap!
What awaits our intrepid heroes at the O-NION STATION? How are GENE and MIKE doing? And LIL' PAM? What’s the DARK MASTER'S deal, anyway? All will be revealed this season on the Hot Daga: Showdown at the Space Buffet, only on BUN.
Eight Day Bride - Q+A
INT. PERSICA - DAY
GARCE (to MIKE SOUP and GENE): Uh, wakey, wakey, you're in spacey.
GENE, who is FRENCH FRIES, and MIKE SOUP, awaken on the bridge of the PERSICA, to the sight of GARCE standing over them.
MIKE SOUP: Heyㅡwhatㅡwhere are we? Oh, waitㅡyes, I remember now. We were drugged! I... feel weak.
GARCE: Oh, haha, yeah, sorry about that. Youㅡy-you're just gonna have to do whatever I say. Pops' in the pocket of the big ol' mean guy. Not much we can do about it.
GENE: IㅡI mean... I know I'm just french fries, but I think you could maybe choose not to be complicit in the destruction of the universe.
MIKE SOUP: He's got a point, you patsy scuzzball.
GARCE: W-Whoa, harsh vibes, man. Look, w-who can say how the Dark Master's mind works? All we know is that he's currently devouring the universe and he asked that you be delivered to the space resort at the O-Nion station. Heh, I'm sure everything will be fine!
MIKE SOUP: I'm sure I'll kill you with my hat as soon as I regain my Soup strength.
GARCE: Oh, haha, I'm sure you will, dingbat!
GARCE coughs oddly.
GARCE: Uh, excuse me, that was weird. Anyway, look alive, folks, we're here!
INT. O-NION STATION - DAY
Cut to the O-NION STATION ARRIVAL DOCK. It is expansive, teeming with activity. Basically like the HANGAR of the DEATH STAR, except more vacation-y and probably not as cool-looking, because we don't have the means to animate something so huge. As NEW ARRIVALS and RESORT EMPLOYEES zip past, the PERSICA'S BOARDING RAMP lowers with a pneumatic roar. The PARTY exits with GARCE leading the pack, and they are met by a very ornate man, who is buns, lettuce, tomatoes, meat, pickles, and various condiments, all stacked.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Greetings, my esteemed guests! It is I, Weldon Burgereaux, most exhilarated by your arrival!
GARCE: Oh, uh, hey, uh, what's theㅡuh, we don't really need all the fanfare, here.
WELDON BURGEREAUX laughs.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Nonsense, lad! I recieved word from a mysterious, anonymous, borderline ominous, source that this ship was carrying some very juicy V.I.P.s, or, J.V.I.P.s, as we call them. And as the owner and proprietor of this luxury resort destination, it is my duty, honor, and absolute pleasure to welcome you to the O-Nion Station Space Buffet: where dreams come true, and hot dogs too!
GARCE: Oh, well, great, good, it's a good vibe you've got, really. We'll just head to our rooms, if that's all right.
WELDON BURGEREAUX laughs.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: The blue one is a rip-roaring stitch-up! You other lads have anything to say or is this a tandem ventriloquist act?
GARCE: Uh, they're just here to enjoy their vacation, is all. Isn't that right?
GENE: Uh... yep! Just here for a little R&R!
MIKE SOUP: Exactly right. We've had a stressful week.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Oh, well then! Haven't you two come to exactly the right place? Here we encourage you to check your worries at the door!
(to SLIDERS) Sliders! Initiate the orientation fields!
WELDON'S ASSISTANTS, who are tiny BURGERS, enter and flip some knobs on nearby panels as large machines swing over the heads of the arriving PARTY. They whirr to life as they begin to emit a soothing pink light.
GENE: Uh... what's happening?
GARCE: Yeah, this isn't cool, my dude. Ethically, I think.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Your apprehension and confusion is both typical, and, might I say, very responsible! But this is simply a courtesy, nay, luxury that we provide our incoming guests! I assure you, this is a perfectly natural process that has been medically tested on chicken nuggets.
MIKE SOUP: Listen, you pile, none of us agreed to this, and if you don't stop this instant, I'm gonnaㅡuhㅡhug... you.
GENE: Yeah, you littleㅡyou lovelyㅡkindㅡgoodㅡman?
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Ah, see, now you see how my technology works! It takes all your worries, all that negative energy, the darkness, and it makes it little! Little worries, now, and aren't we all feeling better, happier, ready to relax in this luxury resort destination!
The PINK LIGHTING intensifies as the orientation process completes, leaving GARCE, GENE, and MIKE transformed, tranquil, ready to relax. The BEAMS fade, and the machines retract. (GARCE, GENE, and MIKE now wear sunglasses.)
GARCE: Whoa, I feel like I've just napped for a thousand years.
MIKE SOUP: I feel like a happy sunshine person, who always wins.
GENE: I feel as critically acclaimed as I always do, which is the most!
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Capital! This is what we aim for! Now, who's ready for a tour of the resort? There is much to see, my J.V.I.P.s! Why don't we start at the universally-renown Zero-G Lazy River?
MIKE SOUP: Oh my God, hell yes.
GENE: I call dibs on the chubbiest inner tube!
GARCE: This is gonna be the best vacation ever!
The GROUP rushes off to explore the RESORT. Meanwhile, in the O-NION STATION COMMAND CENTER, a SLIDER flags down her SUPERVISOR.
INT. O-NION COMMAND CENTER - DAY
SHIRLEY: Uh, sir?
SUPERVISOR: What'cha got for me, Shirley?
SHIRLEY: The scanners are picking up some sort of colossal anomaly, that appears to be consuming all matter in its past. And based on its current track and speed, it's set to collide with our station in a matter of days.
SUPERVISOR: Hm. Little worried about that. But not too worried.
SHIRLEY: Yeah, I'm not too worried.
SUPERVISOR: Well, let's keep an eye on it. Like I said, I'm not too worried.
Will the gang enjoy the LAZY RIVER? What nefarious plans does the DARK MASTER have in store? Will MAIZEY and GOONDIS make it to the O-NION STATION in time to sort this all out? And is LIL' PAM okay? Find out next week on the Hot Daga: Showdown at the Space Buffet!
Alcatraz - Q+A
INT. O-NION STATION CANTEEN - DAY
Deep in the bowels of the O-NION STATION SPACE BUFFET LUXURY RESORT, two SLIDERS commiserate in the CANTEEN.
ALICE: Oh, hey, Christopher! Long time, no see.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, whoa, Alice! Yeah, yeah, they had me up on the Lido deck. Lifeguard duty. Not what I signed up for, but somebody's gotta keep an eye on those pickles.
ALICE: Heh, yeah, tell me about it.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, anyway, I, uh, I put in for a transfer off-station but I just ended up here in the processing and admissions, but, you know how the song says, "sometimes your life don't go exactly how you planned."
ALICE: Eh, true. Well, glad to have you aboard. I, um, I really missed seeing you around.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, uh, yeah. I missed you, too.
The air feels heavy.
ALICE: Oh, um, actually, are you about to eat, or...
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, no, I just finished. Why?
ALICE: Oh, well, I could use a hand interrogating some new arrivals. Little suspicious, we found 'em trying to sneak in through the cargo delivery bay, said they got turned around and lost their reservation passes in a wormhole. I'm not too worried about it, just have to carry our bases.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yeah, of course.
The two SLIDERS walk next door to the temporary LEISURE BREAK, where a family is waiting. From the looks of it, a HUSBAND, a WIFE, and their two CHILDREN (DOCTOR GOONDIS, MAIZEY, and JOBBLET and SMEECH).
INT. O-NION STATION HOLDING CELL - DAY
ALICE: Oh, hey there folks! Sorry to keep you waiting.
MAIZEY: Oh, heck, no worries! Haha, I feel so darn stupid showing up at the wrong entrance and all. That's what I get for letting my husband do the driving.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Oh, here we go again! So I fell asleep at the wheel and almost veered into a wormhole, big whoop!
ALICE: (awkwardly) Well, we'veㅡwe've all been there. It's a long trip, after all, and I'm sure you're exhausted. I'm Alice, by the way, and this is Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, we've just got a few quick questions before we get you all checked in, Mrs., um?
MAIZEY: Teresa Matterhorn. I'm a high-powered attorney and I've been looking forward to this vacation all year. This is my husband, Cecil Ramon.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: My friends call me the Juggernaut!
MAIZEY: And our two sons, Del Marㅡ
JOBBLET: I'm just a sweet boy, and that's it!
MAIZEY: And Smeech.
SMEECH: Whee!
ALICE: What a lovely family. Christopher is pulling up your reservation right now, I'm so sorry for the inconvenience. In fact, to make up for all the trouble, we can offer you some vouchers forㅡ
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Alice?
CHRISTOPER furrows his brow at his HANDHELD TABLET and looks nervously at the MATTERHORNS.
ALICE: Hmm.
CHRISTOPHER (to ALICE, whispering): Do you mind, uhㅡcan I talk to you outside real quick?
The SLIDERS leave the HOLDING CELL.
JOBBLET: Oh, God. They're gonna kill us! They know! They know!
MAIZEY: Shut up, Jobblet! This is our only way into this place!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Just play it cool, turdball. They're buying it!
JOBBLET: You don't think there's warrants out for our arrest? They're probably putting the pieces together right now! We gotta 'fess up!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You squeal, and you're cobbler, you hear me? I'll kill you before they get a chance to slap the cuffs on us!
JOBBLET: Oh, try me, Goondis! You know, we used to be friends! You were my only friend!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You locked me in a mind prison, a-hole!
MAIZEY: Shut up! Here they come!
ALICE and CHRISTOPHER re-enter the HOLDING CELL.
ALICE: Um, sorry about that, folks. Just, um, puttin' out fires. All day. You know how it goes.
CHRISTOPHER: As an... attorney.
MAIZEY: Um, sure, as an attorney. Yeah.
ALICE: Well, anyway, here's those vouchers for free toaster tans. You weren't in our system, but I'm not too worried about it.
MAIZEY: Oh, uh, thanks!
CHRISTOPHER: Well, if you head out those doors, and take the elevator on the left up to the hundred-and-seventy-fourth floor, you should find your room. Uh, and don't forget to stop by Orientation to shrink those worries. Oh, and by the way, you guys look just like those people on the news. You gottaㅡyou gotta find a newspaper and take a photo with it or something, it's incredible.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Uh, we'll do that. Thanks for, uh, all your hospitality.
(to SMEECH) Come on, Smeech!
The FAMILY exits.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, that was uneventful.
ALICE: Heh, well, you should know by now nothing exciting ever happens around here.
CHRISTOPHER: Mm. Any big, uh, weekend plans?
ALICE: Oh, yeah, um, Seymour's taking me to the Pasta Parade.
CHRISTOPHER: Ugh. That guy?
ALICE: Uh, he's a nice guy.
Will MAIZEY and CO. track down GENE, MIKE, and GARCE? What sinister plans does the DARK MASTER have in store? Where's LIL' PAM? All this and more, next time on the Hot Daga! Only on BUN.
Litvinenko - Q+A
INT. O-NION STATION LAZY RIVER - AFTERNOON
At the O-NION STATION SPACE BUFFET RESORT AND SPA, brave MIKE SOUP, incredible GENE, who is absolutely french fries, and GARCE, the duplicitous PEACH, all bask in the calming pink glow of the ZERO-G LAZY RIVER.
GENE: Hey, you guys ever think about what happens after we die?
GARCE: N-Nah.
MIKE SOUP: I do. I think it's random. Like a slot machine. You might become a ghost.
GENE: Whoa, scary!
MIKE SOUP: I might turn into yogurt. Garce might go straight into the Devil's red hell and suffer for all eternity while maggots crawl through his stinking body. Who can say?
GARCE: Heh, o-okay, well, I hope I become an angel. Yeah. Like with big, golden wings, that are even more beautiful than my Pop-Pop's eyebrows!
Gene: Y-Y'know, Garce, maybe it's all this relaxing, but I honestly can't even remember why I was angry at you in the first place!
MIKE SOUP: He and his father drugged and kidnapped us and lured us here for reasons known only to the Dark Master.
GARCE: You know what, guys? I-I don't even care. We're in a kickass Lazy River and I couldn't give two pickles.
MIKE SOUP: Frankly, I don't care, either. This place has such a calming influence on my stern temperament! I feel as giddy as a chowder.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Oh, make way for the Juggernaut!
DOCTOR GOONDIS, a large, very relaxed, CHICKEN, floats past the gang.
GENE: Oh, howdy, fella! Well, aren't you just the king of the river!
DOCTOR GOONDIS laughs.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Well, ain't that the truth! Somethin' about this place just makes a person feel like royalty.
MIKE SOUP: Say, feather man, you look familiar to me.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Huh? Hey, now that you mention it, so do you. And the little blue guy!
MIKE SOUP: Those dog tags you've got, you ever see service?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Well, feels like a lifetime ago, but... yeah, I think so!
GENE: Oh, thanks for your service!
MIKE SOUP: Did you ever assassinate the Pope?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You know what, I did! I think...
MIKE SOUP: Ernie?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Soup!
GARCE: W-Whoa, the venerable Doctor Goondis! Sorry about my dad being such a dick all the time. And for following his orders without question. Heh, heh, oops.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You know what, I had a lot of rage in me, but now we're here, bathed in this wonderful, warm light, and all that darkness, well, it just feels... little. And cocktails here are so cheap!
MIKE SOUP: Well, I'll be canned, I truly can't believe it! Ernie Goondis, in the flesh.
MIKE SOUP floats nearer to GENE.
MIKE SOUP: This is my good friend Gene, a talented french fries who's from the future. I secretly find his positive attitude very charming.
GENE (to DOCTOR GOONDIS): Whoa, nice to meet you! You're a big part of our whole mission! Or, were, I think! Now we're so chill out here, it's like, "hey, let's swim!" You know?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Read my mind, Gene.
JOBBLET: Oh, choo, choo! Here comes the Jobblet trolley, and this little chug-ster is drunk as a truffle pig!
JOBBLET and SMEECH float into the river.
JOBBLET: Whoa, it's the gang!
MIKE SOUP: Hey, it's you! I hate you, and I'm glad you look all fucked up, but I got nothing but chill vibes for you right now. Namaste, or whatever.
GENE (to MIKE SOUP): Who are you, and what have you done with that old crank-pot, Mike Soup!
JOBBLET: Oh, L-M-A-O, Gene!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Yeah, funny as hell. Love this guy! I love you, Gene!
MAIZEY: Oh, this ends now.
Finally floating into the party is MAIZEY. She does not look happy.
MAIZEY: Oh, hey, everybody! Man, so good to see you all.
ALL EXCEPT MAIZEY: Same!
MAIZEY: Anyway, I had something to tell you, but I... uh... huh. You know, after that orientation we just went through, I just... phew! I just wanna chill 'til I'm dead!
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Oh, ahoy!
A jovial HAMBURGER floats into the PARTY.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: My precious, wonderful, J.V.I.P.s. The Space Buffet Pasta Parade is starting shortly! It's how we chill everybody out before the weekends around here. We reserved a place for you all on our most esteemed float! Bring your new pals here, too, ha ha! Anyway, I'll beef seeing you soon!
WELDON BURGEREAUX floats away.
GENE: Oh, I love parades!
MAIZEY: Oh my God, me too.
JOBBLET: Say, just a quick thought, everybody. I never totally got the download on why the Dark Master wanted you here. Should we be concerned about that?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Eh, I'm a little worried about that, but only a little.
MAIZEY: Same.
GENE: Well, then everything's fine! Best vacation ever!
Will Maizey and Company enjoy the rest of their vacation? Is Weldon chill? What's going on with the bad guy? All this and more, on the Hot Daga: Showdown at the Space Buffet. Only on BUN.
Charles C. Morgan - Q+A
INT. O-NION STATION PROMENADE - AFTERNOON
The mood is electric as excited CROWDS line the walkways of the O-NION STATION PROMENADE. The lights dim as the speakers blare.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, put your hands together for the most dazzling show in all the galaxy: the O-Nion Station Space Buffet Pasta Parade!
Music fills the air as the first PASTA FLOAT makes its way down the PROMENADE. Atop the float is WELDON BURGEREAUX, dressed to the nines.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Ha, hello! Welcome to the weekend, my lovely guests. Stop by the hot tubs: they're free!
The next FLOAT has a bunch of DANCING JALAPEÑO PEPPERS (the POP 'N' LOCKERZ) on it. They are the universe's best dance crew. Everyone seems to enjoy them. As they pass, another announcement.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for ultimate relaxation as our J.V.I.P.s blast you with those sweet, sweet, serenity beams from atop the Feel-Good float.
The FEEL-GOOD FLOAT makes its way down the street. Atop it is our gang of lethargic heroes.
GENE: Yo, what up, party people? I'm french fries!
MIKE SOUP: Life is finite. Enjoy your fleeting existence. Also, why does this parade smell like chili?
JOBBLET: Ooh, cheer if you like my eyebrows!
The crowd does not cheer.
GARCE: Heh, woo! I love them, Papa. D-Did you hear me cheering?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Hey, who wants a blast of serenity beams, huh?
DOCTOR GOONDIS blasts the crowd with the PINK HAZE. They feel great.
MAIZEY: Uh, hey, let me get some of that, Doc.
GOONDIS blasts MAIZEY with the PINK LIGHT.
MAIZEY: Man, this is the best weekend of my life!
Suddenly, a rumbling. The whole STATION shudders. Scattered DEBRIS falls from the CEILINGS.
GENE: Oh, what was that?
Another rumble. Screams begin to fill the air. From the head of the PARADE, GUESTS start to flee, expressions of terror on their faces. The panic starts to spread as the CROWD erupts into a full-blown riot. WELDON BURGEREAUX limps into view. He doesn't look great.
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Run! Run, my J.V.I.P.s!
MIKE SOUP: What is it, burger?
WELDON BURGEREAUX: Something... large! Extra-large! It came from outer space and took a bite out of the station! T-The audience! The jalapeño poppers! H-He's still chewing! Oh, God, the chewing! B-But another bite is sure to follow... we're all going to die! Fly, you foods!
WELDON coughs and then just straight-up dies, right there on the PROMENADE.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Holy shit, is that burger dead?
GARCE: Wha-oh! P-Papa, do you think this is the work of the Dark Master?
JOBBLET: It can only must be!
GENE: Oh, we're served up on a platter! Sitting beloved ducks! A meal for a cosmic monster!
MAIZEY: Oh, what do we do? We've got to stop them!
JOBBLET: Oh, now wait a minute! You know what'll help us think? Some more of that serenity light!
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Here, let me crank it up ten percent. Give us a little extra juice to combat these harsh vibes.
GOONDIS blasts EVERYONE with the SERENITY LIGHT. They take a deep breath. The chaos around them continues, but they have found bliss.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Ooh, that's top shelf, baby!
MAIZEY: You know, I've been thinking about cutting my hair shorter.
GENE: Ooh, you could for sure pull that off, Maizey!
GARCE: Heh. Wow. I was thinking of getting eyebrow implaㅡ
GARCE suddenly screeches.
MAIZEY: ...What?
JOBBLET: Garce, are you okay? Ch-Chill out, all right? Goondis, can you blast the boy again?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Uh, I don't know, he looks a little ripe.
GARCE: Papa?
JOBBLET: Yes, my boy?
GARCE (shakily, but smiling): Heh, whoa, okay. I think I'm gonna die.
GARCE pops like a balloon, and the smoke clears in his spot: a small HOT DOG WITCH, freed from her prison inside the PEACH.
PAM: What up, turd bags? Sorry that took so long. I was in a "pit trap!"
JOBBLET (horrified): My boy, my boy! You'll pay for what you've done!
PAM looks annoyed.
PAM: Pam, Pam, ka-zam!
JOBBLET also explodes.
MAIZEY: Pam, what are you doing?
PAM: What? Those were the bad guys! Why were you, like, chilling with them?
GENE: Wait, Pam's good now? Why is she little?
PAM: Semantics...
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Hey, what's even happening? Who's the cocktail wiener?
PAM: What's happening is that the Dark Master is devouring the Space Station one bite at a time, and if we don't do something ASAP, you're all as dumb as those dumbass peaches. So stop frying your brains on that pink junk and get your heads in the game, dingbats!
MAIZEY: She's right. It's now or never. Time to kill the Dark Master once and for all.
GENE: But he's enormous! How can simple foodstuffs like us ever stop him?
MIKE SOUP: I don't know, but I'd say we got about thirty seconds to figure it out.
PAM: Man, you guys really pooped the bed on this one.
MAIZEY: Ugh. Shut up, Pam.
The hour of judgement has arrived! Will our heroes prevail in the face of ultimate evil? Find out next time on the Hot Daga: Showdown at the Space Buffet! Only... on BUN.
Bobby Dunbar - Q+A
INT. O-NION STATION PROMENADE - AFTERNOON
The parade is certainly ruined in the wake of the Dark Master's giant bite. Panic takes hold as the O-Nion Station Space Buffet Resort and Spa begins to crumble. The gang scrambles for a plan of action.
MAIZEY: All right, folks, what's our plan?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Look, Maizey, if I'd known we were gonna be squaring off against a Colossus, I probably would've stayed in my egg on that stupid planet full of dumb guys.
MAIZEY: Oh. Cool. Yeah, well, this is ideal for me, this is exactly how I wanted to bring back my dead wife.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Okay, your tone is appropriate and I apologize.
MIKE SOUP (to HIMSELF): Come on, Michael Soup, think! Think, Soup!
GENE: Hey, wait a minute, everybody! We've still got this pasta here, why don't we strangle him with it?
MIKE SOUP: Say, that's not a bad idea!
(to PAM) And Pam, can you do some hot dog magic to make the pasta extra... um...
PAM: Extra what?
MIKE SOUP: Extra strangle-y?
PAM: I can make it sparkle.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Wait, hang on. This big guy, this bite-y man, he's no good?
PAM: Yeah, he's worse than I used to be.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Again, I'm not overly familiar with you.
MAIZEY: Uh, well, she stunk. She's the reason why all our lives are so shitty.
PAM: True that.
GENE: Uh, Maizey, didn't she also will you into existence, though? And the love of your life? And my acclaimed rock-and-roll band?
MAIZEY: Yeah? So?
GENE: Well, I wasn't really making a point, just illustrating how she's fairly complex!
MIKE SOUP: Hey, fun convo, guys, but I believe Ernie was on his way to a game plan.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Oh! Yeah! This guy's nothin' but bad news, why don't we crank this Serenity Ray up to a hundred and turn all the dark energy little? That's how it works, right?
MAIZEY: Oh my God. I mean, yes! I think! I don't know, it seems doable.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Well, it's going to take a minute to charge up, but it looks like we've gotㅡ
From the head of the parade, a blast. SMEECH... is gone.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Smeech!
MAIZEY: (urgently) Crank it, Doc.
The CHICKEN cranks the SERENITY RAY up to a hundred. As it begins to slowly power up, a towering, hooded FIGURE stalks into view. It is the scariest villain in the history of fiction, including HEATH LEDGER'S JOKER.
PAM: Let me handle this, guys. Just blast him as soon as you can.
PAM steps forward.
DARK MASTER: So good to finally see you all. And how very tickled I am to see you here, Pamela.
PAM: Yeah, well, I started meditating on my decisions and felt kind of bad in playing a part in the total destruction of Planet Earth.
DARK MASTER: Hmm. Too little, too late, I'm afraid.
PAM: I'm just doing the best I can. Y-You know what? It's worth a shot. Pam, Pam, ka-zam!
PAM'S WITCH BLAST freezes in midair.
PAM: ...Huh?
DARK MASTER: Oh, what's this? A gift?
The DARK MASTER laughs.
DARK MASTER: I'm afraid I couldn't possibly accept this.
MAIZEY: (nervously) Pam, what's he doing?
DARK MASTER: Who's deserving of such a beautiful, shimmering, thing?
MIKE SOUP: Uh, Ernie, how's that special project coming along?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Uh, ninety-seven percent. Just a few more seconds.
DARK MASTER (to GENE): Say, you there...
GENE: Uh, who, me?
DARK MASTER: I think I've heard your songs on the radio.
GENE smiles, and is struck by the WITCH BLAST. EVERYONE screams, but it'll be in slow motion while emotional music plays.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: No!
MAIZEY: Gene!
MIKE SOUP screams. The DARK MASTER laughs.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Oh, God! We're at a hundred percent!
MAIZEY: Do it!
GOONDIS blasts the concentrated SERENITY RAY at the hulking FIGURE. The DARK MASTER screams as his FIGURE is reduced, and shrouded in the over-sized CLOAK. MAIZEY races over to GENE'S body.
PAM (stammering): I-I'm so sorryㅡI-I didn't think he couldㅡ
MAIZEY: Shut up, Pam.
(to GENE) Gene! Gene, are you okay?
GENE (weakly): I-I'mㅡ
GENE coughs.
GENE: I'm not great.
DOCTOR GOONDIS: Look, this place is coming down. We gotta grab the Converter off the Persica and hop on board the Minestrone ASAP!
From the CLOAK, the FIGURE screams.
DARK MASTER: Mike Soup!
MIKE and GOONDIS freeze.
MIKE SOUP: Oh, God. I'd know that voice anywhere. It's him.
PAM: What?
DOCTOR GOONDIS: You guys better go, or we're all gonna die. This is your only chance. Mike and I'll stay behind.
MAIZEY: W-Wait, why?
MIKE SOUP: Seems we have unfinished business with the Space Pope Chili the Ninth.
There's only one episode left of this season, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a real barn-burner, so stick around next week for the season finale of the Hot Daga: Showdown at the Space Buffet. Only on BUN!
Forest Fenn - Q+A
INT. STARSHIP: MINESTRONE - NIGHT
As the O-NION STATION crumbles, MAIZEY, PAM, and GENE race aboard the STARSHIP: MINESTRONE, having just achieved the BERNOULLI CONVERTER. They pop it into the DECK.
MAIZEY: Minestrone!
MINESTRONE AI: Oh, Maizey. Sup.
MAIZEY: How's that Converter feel? Enough to get us to the Graxilon wormhole and kick this tin can back in time?
MINESTRONE AI: Mm. Yeah. This thing's delicious. For sure.
PAM: Then fire it up, ship!
The MINESTRONE rockets out of the O-NION DOCK.
MINESTRONE AI: Orbiting O-Nion Station. Entering hyperdrive for jump to Graxilon quadrant. I will miss you, brave Michael Soup, the biggest baller of them all.
MAIZEY: Wait, no, w-we've gotta wait for Mike and Ernie.
PAM: Uh, Maizey, w-we're out of time. Whatever their business with the Chili Pope, it's gonna end with all of them getting vaporized, and if we don't get our buns out of this sector ASAP, we're dead, too! I'd actually be double-dead, which is the worst kind of dead!
GENE coughs.
GENE: S-Speaking of being dead, I now have been chilling all cool, but I'm getting a little soggy over here.
MAIZEY: Hang in there, Gene.
(to MINESTRONE) Minestrone, is there a med kit on board?
MINESTRONE AI: No. Captain Soup used the last one when he got stung by bees and forgot to buy a new one.
GENE: Oh, Maizey, it's fine. I'm just gonna... just gonna nap for a while.
MAIZEY: Wait, hang on, Gene!
(to PAM) Pam, can't you, like, do a magic thing?
PAM: (awkwardly) Uh, yeah, I mean, my witch stuff only hurts people, butㅡ
MAIZEY: (urgently) Just try!
PAM: Uh, okay. Pam, pam, ka-zam?
GENE is struck by PAM'S WITCH BLAST and injured again.
GENE: Agh!
PAM: Pam, Pam, kazoo?
GENE is struck by PAM'S WITCH BLAST and injured again.
GENE: Ooh!
PAM: (frantically) Pam, Pam, Control-Z!
GENE is struck by PAM'S WITCH BLAST and injured again.
GENE: Ah!
MAIZEY: Okay, that'sㅡthat's obviously not working!
PAM: I told you!
(to GENE) I'm sorry, Gene! She made me!
GENE: It's fine! You're a witch. I get it. And a damn good one! The first blast was enough anyway, it's a foregone conclusion! It's too late now.
MAIZEY: Gene! Just hang in there! Y-You're gonna be fine!
GENE: Ooh, you know what? I don't think so! Good-bye, Maizey.
NARRATOR: And so, sweet Gene, the most compelling character in the history of fiction, was laid to rest. At his side, the bravest corn he'd ever known, and a hot dog witch he wished he'd gotten the chance to know better.
The echoes of "Plupple Honeymoon" are heard.
GENE (sung): Sometimes your life/Don't go exactly how you planned
NARRATOR: But what can one do in the face of such monumental loss, but breathe a weary sigh, for the world is a little quieter now.
GENE (sung): Sometimes your death/Don't go exactly how you planned
GENE: Ooh, wait, one last thing!
GENE sings “Believe Me, Maizey”. (To find the official page for the song, click here!)
Instrumental intro.
GENE (sung): It’s lookin' like I’ve had enough/I tried the best I can but I don’t got the stuff
GENE (sung): I got shot by the Chili Pope
GENE, BACKUP VOCALS (sung): It’s easy livin' as a french fry
GENE (sung): I’m critically acclaimed but now it’s time to die
GENE (sung): Frankly life’s been
GENE, BACKUP VOCALS: Pretty dope
GENE (sung): It’s been a long, hard road for a french fries and corn to walk down
GENE (sung): Who could’ve ever known the road would lead to...
GENE (sung): You and me and Soup and Goondis taking on the galaxy!
GENE (sung): I know that life is crazy/But believe me Maizey
GENE (sung): You’ll be fine without me here…
GENE (sung): I mean I’m just a funny french fries/There’s really no need to cry
GENE (sung): Even though I’m so revered
Little Mr. B. plays a guitar solo.
MINESTRONE AI: Hyperdrive initiation. Fifty percent. That space station looks like it’s gonna blow up, my dudes.
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (And I'm sorry, Maizey!)
GENE (sung): Was livin’ lonely in a future state/But I traveled back in time and met my foodie-mates
GENE (sung): Most of them were witch holograms
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Almost of all them were holograms)
GENE (sung): The story gets a little dense from there/But if you got a brain it’s pretty crystal clear
GENE (sung): Here, check out this diagram.
GENE, BACKUP VOCALS (sung): See a wedding/Fell into a witch volcano
GENE, BACKUP VOCALS (sung): Then we scrammed/And then we landed on the planet of the Plupples, et cetera
GENE, BACKUP VOCALS (sung): Now we’re traveling to the past to save our friends and kick some ass!
BACKUP VOCALS: (Oh, ah!)
GENE (sung): I know that things seem kinda shitty/And that the odds aren’t lookin’ pretty but
GENE (sung): What’s the point of quittin’ now?
BACKUP VOCALS: (No, we can never quit now!)
The O-Nion Station explodes.
GENE (sung): And I won’t be here to see it/But you bet your ass that I believe it!
GENE (sung): You’ll still save the day somehow!
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (Maizey’s gonna save the day!)
GENE (sung): The end is comin’/Gonna punch my mortal ticket
GENE (sung): If I had a fuckin’ bucket then I’d got a hunch I’d kick it
GENE (sung): And I’m sorry for the cursin’ but I’m feelin’ worse and worse and I don't...
GENE (sung): I don’t wanna die...
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (But I’m probably gonna die)
GENE (sung): I know it might sound crazy/But believe me Maizey
GENE (sung): You’ll be fine without me here…
GENE (sung): And it’s lookin’ like this french fry’s gonna/Take his bow in this Hot Daga
GENE (sung): I’m dyin’ now, just so it's clear
BACKUP VOCALS (sung): (This is it for the ship, this it it, I'm gonna die)
GENE (sung): I’ll see you later, pals/I'm outta here!
GENE coughs.
GENE (sung): It’s been a treat…
GENE (sung): I think I… see Smeech.
Sirens blast.
MINESTRONE AI: Hyperdrive active. Initiating jump to Graxilon Quadrant.